The Art of Listening (2)

A few years ago, I wrote an article about the Art of Listening. Click here to read it.

Five years later, and I feel like revisiting this topic as it’s still the most precious skill I that I learned in my journey as a more present human being. I credit The Berkeley Free Clinic and the peer counseling training I received there for the active listening skills that I got the chance to practice and adopt while serving as a volunteer peer counselor.

Although normal day-to-day relationships certainly need spontaneous back-and-forth exchanges, where it makes sense to occasionally interrupt, react, and interject an opinion, some conversations greatly benefit from active listening skills. High-stakes situations such as disagreements and conflicts come to mind, but also anytime someone shares something more vulnerable

Active listening is probably the most life-changing skill that I teach to my coaching clients, as a lot of professional and personal issues are rooted in communication problems.

I case you’d like to practice the art of listening, here are 4 core skills to start adding to your listening toolkit:

1. Non-verbal and minimal attending skills

It’s “pure listening”. It’s the quality of receptivity, empathy, and acceptance in the listener that creates an atmosphere of deeper exploration for the speaker. It’s all about being present in body, heart and mind, and simply using one’s body language to convey our presence.

2. Paraphrasing

A paraphrase is a brief, tentative statement that reflects the essence of what the speaker has just said and leaves out the details. The listener does not have to agree with the speaker - he or she must simply state what they think the speaker said. This enables the speaker to find out whether the listener really understood. If the listener did not, the speaker can explain some more. A good paraphrase helps the speaker hear what they are saying and gives the opportunity to add or clarify if necessary. It demonstrates that you are paying attention and that you understand what is being said. Paraphrases alone often prompt the speaker to say more or go deeper.

3. Open-ended and clarifying questions

Open-ended questions can’t be answered by yes/no or by only one or two words. These are questions that encourage the speaker to talk without becoming defensive. Good open-ended questions encourage the speaker to explore thoughts and feelings and to work out solutions to problems. The best open-ended questions convey a sense of openness and space. There is a qualitative difference between open-ended questions and “leading questions”. Questions that lead the speaker indicate foregone conclusions and perhaps even an agenda on the part of the listener, which can trigger the speaker to feel judged and misunderstood. Clarifying questions gently probe for more information so that the listener can more fully understand the speaker.

4. Reflecting feelings

Reflection is the art of listening for feeling words and reflecting back to the speaker what you hear as well as what you see in their nonverbal expression of feelings. Since human beings are deeply emotional, everything we communicate has an emotional component. Making space for emotions is the key that unlock great communication, in personal and also professional settings.

Be in touch if you’d like to learn more!

Do You Suffer From “Imposter Syndrome”?

The first time I heard about Imposter Syndrome was in coaching school. Some coaches in training were struggling with being a beginner, later in their career and life. Since then, I encountered many more clients, colleagues and friends reporting a feeling of “being a fraud” as they were starting something new.

This got me wondering about what that was about, and after asking them questions to understand better what was happening, I’d like to offer two scenarios that can lead you to feel like an “imposter” or a “fraud”:

1. You are actually not competent in what you are doing (yet):

In this case, your feelings are based on something real - you’re a bit over your head in what you are doing, you know it, and it probably shows. This does not make you an imposter or a fraud, unless you pretended that you were more experienced than you are to get the job or the responsibility.

Remedy:

• Either you remove yourself from the situation, train yourself to become more competent, and go back at it when you are more skilled.

• Or you candidly state the problem to your team or manager: “Look, I’m not skilled at this yet, what would the best course of action be?” Perhaps they will replace you, or let you continue. No matter what, you must take it upon yourself to get training and increase your skills quickly. Be proactive, get mentoring or coaching, be open to feedback, etc.

• If you have pretended to be better than you actually are, an admission of your error and an apology are in order.

2. You are actually doing well, but perhaps you still have a lot to learn:

In this situation, the feeling of being an “imposter” is all in your head. Your Inner Critic might be giving you a hard time because it can’t accept that you’re not excellent yet. Or perhaps you’re already really good at what you’re doing but your Inner Critic can’t see it.

Remedy:

• You will have to learn to accept where you are, and take it from there. Get a reality check from someone more competent than you who can give you honest feedback, and integrate it to grow in your competence.

• Learn to be a beginner. A beginner is not a fraud.

You can easily heal your Imposter Syndrome by being honest with yourself and others, practice accepting being a beginner when it’s the situation you’re in, and devote yourself to improving a little bit every day.

Do you have problems with your Inner Critic? Coaching will help!

The Processing Walk

The inspiration for my blog topics always comes from one of two sources: what I’ve worked on or what I’m currently working on, or what my clients bring up in our coaching sessions.

As I was taking another of my solo processing walks, I thought about writing about this topic because it’s my favorite and most effective processing practice. 

What is processing?

I call “processing” the action of allowing thoughts and feeling to come to my awareness, and digesting and releasing them. To me, it’s a free-flowing activity that does not have to adhere to any specific structure beside the need to actually allow it to happen. Basically, my only requirement is giving myself some unstructured time on a daily basis when my mind and heart can wander where they want to, so that unconscious and conscious thoughts and feelings can be explored and digested.

Daily processing is absolutely essential. One of the most common symptoms of a lack of processing is trouble falling asleep because of a racing mind. If your bedtime is the first time in the day when you actually stop all activities including mindless distractions, your mind will start processing at that time. It’s totally normal and intelligent - processing is that essential and it needs the absence of distractions to occur. The problem with bedtime processing is that you’re now tired and need to get your 8 hours of sleep, so it can feel frustrating to find yourself with a racing mind and perhaps also emotions bubbling up just when you need to fall asleep.

If this is a regular occurrence, know that there is an easy solution: give your mind and heart open windows of time throughout the day with no distractions to process, digest, and release what has been impactful for you throughout the day.

The Processing Walk

For me, doing this processing while walking around my neighborhood or on a hiking trail is really effective because it allows the release of my pent up somatic energy at the same time. A processing walk is a walk when I let my mind completely wander. I might reminisce about earlier events, think about what happened, feel into the emotions I might not have fully noticed or released yet, and I might perhaps even have imaginary conversations! 

It’s actually not about being present in the moment, and it’s not about practicing mindfulness. That’s another kind of practice that I wrote about here. A processing activity is truly a free-flowing experience - everything is ok, no discipline is required. I might take a processing walk and barely notice what is going on around me - well unless I cross a road or risk bumping into someone of course : )

As I wrote a while ago, we also need a daily mindfulness practice to develop our inner observer and hone our capacity for presence. But because too much mindfulness can prevent the processing of our feelings, we need to balance out our disciplined presence practice with a practice that allows us to release thoughts and feelings in an unstructured manner.

What are other effective processing practices?

Up to you to explore and see what works for you.

Personally, my second preferred processing practice is doing jigsaw puzzles! If I’m too tired for a walk, if it’s too late, etc, I will work for a while on a puzzle while allowing my mind to wander. I usually have a cool puzzle laying around on a puzzle board that I can easily move around.

Other common processing practices are journaling, coloring, and crafting. What are your favorite processing practices? If you don’t have one yet, what sounds good to you to try out? And most importantly, how will you make time for regular processing sessions on a daily basis?

Preferences Vs Boundaries

A few years ago, I wrote this article about boundaries. Since then, this topic has only become more present in my awareness, as I progress on my journey while supporting others on their own path towards happy and healthy personal and professional relationships.

Healthy boundaries are really that essential to create and maintain satisfying personal and professional relationships. The question that arose since my last article concerns the difference between a preference and a boundary.

Preference vs boundary:

A preference is something that you’d like to have or see happen, but that you can live without if it’s not available or possible. You can continue a relationship with someone who does not honor your preference.

A boundary is a must-have, something that you can’t live without because it connects to your values and what matters most to you. You can’t continue a relationship with someone who does not respect your boundaries.

For example, you can have a preference about people not going into your bag or purse to borrow a pen or something like that without asking you. Perhaps you don’t like it if they do it, but you’re ok if they do. On the other hand, you could have a boundary about this, and be strict about not wanting people to go into your personal bag or purse without asking you. Both are ok, but it’s important for you to know the difference for yourself, so that you can communicate this fact clearly and respond accordingly.

Consequences of having a boundary:

When it’s a boundary, you must be willing to take extra steps to protect it and you must be willing to go as far as letting go of the relationship with anyone not willing or able to respect your boundary. The stakes are that high. Therefore it’s essential to be very clear about what are preferences versus what are boundaries. Perhaps you think that something is a boundary, but it’s actually a preference, as you are willing to accept not having your preference respected. You might realize that it’s not that big of a deal.

If you have a boundary, you need to be willing to enforce it. Enforcing is a strong word - I don’t know what other word to use to convey that there will be escalating consequences for not respecting it. Not because the person not respecting it is bad or wrong, but simply because you love and respect yourself enough to put the boundary in place and protect it.

For example, a boundary might be that you refuse to be yelled at by anyone - your partner, a friend, a coworker, a boss,... It’s a good boundary to have if you ask me, but to each their own of course. If it’s a boundary and not a preference, you will have to enforce it. If someone yells at you, you will have to be willing to calmly say that you are removing yourself from the conversation until the person can communicate with you without yelling. And to actually act on it and remove yourself from the situation. This is actually how you will get the respect that you deserve.

This takes a lot of courage, because by doing it you might also activate the other person’s own preferences or boundaries. If that person has power over you, like a boss, you might also face consequences in return. Having real boundaries is not for the faint of heart, so you have to choose them carefully. However, when they are that important to you, and you are able to enforce them, you will feel so much more comfortable with yourself, you will have better relationships, less drama, and overall a better life. Even if it means sacrificing a certain job, letting go of a relationship, and giving up other advantages.

Conversely, if you do not enforce the boundary, you will be inadvertently teaching the other person that it’s ok to continue treating you that way. Since you’re not that serious about it, it must be a preference right?

How to clarify boundaries:

There are two steps to define and enforce your boundaries. The first step is communicating in advance what your boundary is and what the consequence would be for not respecting it. This is especially helpful when interacting with children who are not yet capable of sensing and adjusting by themselves. It can also be useful when starting a new relationship.

The second step is naming and then enforcing the boundary when it has not been respected. This is extremely uncomfortable for most agreeable people who want to be nice, because it means saying no. This is where the rubber meets the road, and when we can truly know for ourselves if we are serious about having a boundary or not. I hear a lot of people claiming that they have boundaries, only to give up really quickly when it’s time to enforce the boundary. If it’s easy to let it go, perhaps it was just a preference. If it’s infuriating to let it go, you might be violating your own boundary for the sake of trying to be nice to the person not respecting you. 

In order to clarify and enforce boundaries, it really helps to use a healthy communication style. This also takes practice. Consider learning the Nonviolent Communication model by Marshall Rosenberg. It’s not a perfect model for all situations, but it’s really helpful to get you started if you need help.

Another element to keep in mind is to take things progressively. It would be too harsh to go from yes to suddenly no, and leaving the relationship! People have different values and boundaries, and building healthy relationships require sensing and adjusting to each other as we discover individual ways of doing things. When a boundary is first crossed, you could give a simple yet clear warning that it does not work for you. The next time, you could enforce the boundary by giving the consequence. And you could wait for a third occurrence to take more drastic measures. It also depends on what is actually happening - wearing dirty shoes on your clean carpet is not the same as being shoved against a wall, right?

Avoiding rigidity:

As I wrote years ago, we don’t want to have rigid boundaries - they would be defenses and not healthy ways to keep unwanted things out. It’s important to work at having as few boundaries as possible, so that we keep them for really essential things, such as to protect our values and make sure that we are treated with respect. Is it really that unacceptable if people don’t take off their shoes when they visit your home? Is it that unacceptable if people are 30 minutes late? Perhaps we can work around those, and turn them into preferences. Boundaries can also be negotiated, and compromises can be found for lot of things. Healthy relationships also benefit from fluidity and flexibility. 

Conclusion

For the sake of our mental health and the health of our relationships, it’s essential to enforce strict boundaries around how to be talked to, how to be touched, how to be considered in important decisions, etc. For that, we must be willing to be courageous and make the necessary sacrifices to protect our self and our emotional well-being. We have to walk the talk.

Got Credibility?

The foundation of your professional relationships is your credibility. 

What is credibility? According to the dictionary, it’s the quality of being believed or trusted. 

When you are credible, people want to work with you. They believe what you say, they find you competent, and they take you seriously. People want credible leaders and credible colleagues. 

Personally I find someone credible when their actions match their words, and when they consistently demonstrate reliability and skill in what they commit to do.

If trust is based on belief, credibility is based on evidence. When we are credible, it’s not about blind belief, benefit of the doubt, or hoping for the best. It’s based on facts, on results, and on consistency.

Consciously or not, people will find you more or less credible based on how you behave over time. Some people ask to be trusted, yet they consistently demonstrate a lack of reliability or a lack of skill in what they do. They might be trustworthy in some aspects, and not credible in others. Unfortunately it does not take many lapses to look less credible - just a couple mishaps that haven’t been acknowledged and corrected will suffice to make you less credible.

How to build your credibility?

1. Integrity

In order to be reliable, commit to projects that you have capacity for, in terms of time, energy, interest, and skill. For that, you need great self-awareness, and acceptance of yourself and your limitations. It’s not uncommon to believe that we have more time and energy than we actually do. 

2. Competence

Because results matter more than effort - we’re beyond participation awards here! - make sure that you commit to action items that you’re competent to achieve to completion and with excellence. It’s not uncommon to believe that we’re better at something than we actually are. 

If you’re a beginner, it’s ok but communicate that caveat clearly, and ensure that you have some outline about how you’re going to do what you want to progress in. Ask for support early - do not stay stuck for days as this will affect your credibility in several aspects. Being humble enough to ask for help builds credibility.

3. Attunement to others

Seek to benefit others, not just yourself. If you fail to deliver what you have promised, recognize the problem, apologize by acknowledging the impact that your failure has had on the other person or people, and refrain from making excuses even if you have valid ones. Communicate clearly what you wish you had done differently, what you have learned, and how it will look like next time. And then do it.

4. Communication

As stated above, communicate your time and skill limitations promptly and clearly, especially if you’re going to be delayed, if you run into problems and need help, etc. Being honest, forthcoming, and vulnerable when it matters are keys to your credibility.

Conclusion

Everything in this list is about knowing yourself well and taking others into account. Focus on communicating clearly and in advance if you see problems or limitations looming, and mak sincere apologies when needed. Mistakes are ok, but they need to be acknowledged, and remedies need to be put in place immediately, even if the remedy is to stop committing to the same type of projects for a while until you have more time or more skill to be able to deliver the expected results.

Credibility is the outward manifestation of your character. And your character is all you have to build trusting and satisfying personal and professional relationships. 

Boost Your Immune System!

Having a healthy immune system is essential to support our general health. Our immune system is literally the guardian of our boundaries, making sure that we take in what is nourishing and that we leave out or remove what is not good for us.

Even at the end of a pandemic when we might be tired of wearing masks and washing our hands, it’s still super important to strengthen our immune system. We’re not powerless when exposed to new and old viruses, and we can always make some positive changes to promote good health in the short-term and in the long-term.

Disclaimer: I’m not a medical doctor, just a biochemist turned neuroscientist, then turned a few other things : ), so please consult your healthcare provider before making diet changes and/or starting new supplements.

And with that said, here are a few ideas based on what has helped me over the years:

1. REST: Increase sleep hours and decrease work hours.

2. RELAX DEEPLY: Use soothing techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, mindful movement (yoga, Qigong or Taichi) to bring back your nervous system to neutral as often as possible throughout the day. For this purpose, it’s more effective to do multiple short sessions throughout the day than a single long one once in a while.

3. VEGGIES: Increase your consumption of vegetables, especially dark leafy greens. Eat them daily as salads and/or soups.

4. HEALTHY OILS: Increase your consumption of healthy oils (polyunsaturated) and decrease unhealthy fats (saturated). Eat more walnuts, pumpkin seeds, flax oil, fatty fish like salmon and sardines.

5. SUPPLEMENTS: Our food is seriously depleted, even when organically produced. Consider taking extra Vitamin C, Vitamin Bs, Vitamin D, Magnesium, Zinc, and Omega 3s. Discuss appropriate doses with your holistic health practitioner, so that you don’t take what you don’t need.

6. LESS SUGAR: Reduce added sugar. Hard, I know : )

7. LESS OR NO ALCOHOL: If you drink alcohol, reduce your intake as much as possible and consider quitting. Switch to herbal tea (hot or cold), flavored sparkling water, water infused with sliced fruit, etc.

Start with one new habit, take your time getting used to it, and go from there. There is no rush – each new habit can have positive benefits to your health, both physical and mental.

There truly is plenty to do to support a healthy immune system, not just during pandemics but throughout our whole lifetime. A stronger immune system reduces the risk of various illnesses, from simple colds all the way to cancers. The ideas proposed above also support our other systems, as well as our mental and emotional well-being.

Take good care of yourself!

Cultivating A Deeper Connection In Relationships

In the last few years, there has been a lot of chatter about the impact of social media on our sense of connection. On one hand, we have plenty of effective tools to stay connected and even reconnect with old acquaintances, and one the other hand, people have felt increasingly more isolated and lonely. This can often happen in real-life relationships, in the home we share with loved ones.

Social media tools can smartly be used as bridges between real-life moments of deeper connections, but they can also easily become our autopilot default when we allow our busy lifestyles to erode our capacity for meaningful in-person interactions.

And sadly, while we’re busy trying to “stay connected” superficially with the help of our electronic devices, we’re at risk of losing our ability to deeply and authentically connect with our intimate partner and dearest friends. This problem can spread into our professional relationships too, since they are built on the same principles and skills than our personal ones, even if there is less intimacy and closeness in the workplace.

Cultivating a real, authentic, deeper connection with our intimate partner and with our closest friends is essential to feel fulfilled as human beings. Yes, even for those of us who are more solitary. Everyone needs at least a couple of close relationships to feel a sense of security, meaning, and belonging in in one’s life and in the world.

Such deeper relationship is not about the amount of time spent together, or even what is being done together. It’s about the authenticity and depth of what can be shared within and in between these moments of togetherness.

Concretely it means that both people in the relationship are able and willing to:

• Share the feelings that they are experiencing when it’s relevant and/or desired to do so, from the most pleasant ones (joy, hope, wonder) to the most painful ones (grief, shame, rage).

• Be present when the other person is sharing such feelings, without escaping physically, withdrawing emotionally, or fixing the other person.

• Notice when they can’t be present at that time, and express it honestly so that they can take a break without feeling guilty or creating misunderstandings.

• Refrain from judging, not only the feelings that are shared but also the underlying narrative or event that triggered them.

• Express and listen to opinions that are different than theirs, by tolerating the discomfort and remaining in a state of openness and curiosity.

Now, it does not mean that conversations at that level happen all the time. Basically it does not necessarily mean that the relationship is about talking for hours about every single feeling and experience. What it does mean is that there is space for such sharing when it’s desired or relevant, and definitely when it’s necessary, such as when one person is going through a meaningful event (good or bad), or when there is a need to make a sensitive decision together or resolve a conflict.

Relationships where such level of depth is accessible are not only happy and healthy, but they are also really nourishing. There is no way to feel isolated, lonely or disconnected when we are part of at least one or two such relationships. We feel seen, heard, cared for. We feel like we are in this together.

What does it take to relate at that level?

Of course, it takes two to tango. But connecting deeply with someone requires to be deeply connected with one self first. It’s impossible to relate emotionally with someone when we are not even aware of what we are feeling because we constantly repress, deny, or project our emotions. It’s impossible to be present to someone’s feelings when we can’t be present to our own.

So start by feeling it all, and fine-tune your ability to be present to more and more aspects of your self. Form there, see if you can start sharing a bit more deeply with your intimate partner and close friends while also creating a safe space for them to deepen the range of what they feel comfortable talking about with you.

Useful resources:

The book “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg offers a simple model for beginners to start the process of sharing feelings and needs while taking full personal responsibility.

Click here for a fantastic list of feelings offered by the Center for Nonviolent Communication. All the feelings are sorted by families of emotions, which makes the list an effective tool to expand our emotional awareness and vocabulary.

Wishing you all happy, healthy and nourishing relationships!

Center Yourself In 2023

Happy New Year! 

There is nothing more powerful than meeting oneself each day during a centering/grounding practice. A centering practice is the opportunity to be oneself, fully present to what is happening in our inner being for a few minutes of self-observation. From this foundational practice we become more skillful at returning to a state of presence throughout the day, in the middle of our busy life, intense emotions, and complex thought processes.

If you’re a morning person and enjoy the quiet energy of that time of the day, you could consider crafting a morning routine to center and ground yourself before everyone in the household gets up, and before starting your daily tasks.

On the other hand, if evenings are more suitable for you, how about creating a calming evening routine? Same concept, but even more gentle so that you don't activate your nervous system too much before sleep. 

Ideas of activities to consider adding in your daily practice time:

• 5 to 20 min of mindfulness practice (centering, meditation, mindful walk, etc)

• 10 to 20 min of yoga or gentle stretching

• 5 to 10 min of journaling

• Affirmation, prayer, and/or gratitude practice

• Closing ritual

How to make time for this practice:

1. Go to bed early. In order to free up time in the morning it’s essential to be able to… get up! It’s hard to get up when we are chronically tired. And we’ll be exhausted if we don’t get 8-9 hours of sleep on average.

2. Get the rest of the family on board. If you have children, arrange to do your morning routine before they get up. Since they need much more sleep than adults, there is some free time available before they wake up. If you have a partner, ask for their support and suggest taking turns to take care of the kids. When they are past the baby stage, consider including your children into your routine, by helping them develop their own morning ritual alongside you as they grow up.

3. A daily practice can be as short or as long as you can afford. Even with 5 minutes, you can give yourself the chance to center yourself for a few breaths, do a few stretches, and a little closing ritual. If you have more time, you can extend your practice up to a whole hour with a longer mindfulness practice, more healing movements, and other activities to support your personal development. The amount of time that you devote to your practice can also be flexible depending on what’s possible and how you feel on a given day. No need to seek perfection, just doing it is all that matters.

A daily centering practice grounds you into who you truly are. Become more of who you are in 2023!

Surviving Transitions

Our nervous system does not like change at all, and yet it’s incredibly adaptable and flexible.

The nervous system works at its best with routines because it’s more economical to run patterns along well-traveled nerves, and it’s much safer to always be able to predict what’s going to happen next.

When we go through a transition - from a small change like taking a new habit to a massive one like welcoming a new child, changing jobs, or moving to a new area – we give our nervous system a very difficult workout.

The predictability of the regular hum of daily habits disappears and is replaced by the anxiety of not knowing and the energetically expensive requirement to wire new pathways into the nervous system. Even when the change is positive and made willingly, the nervous system is still going to experience it as uncomfortable, and perhaps even threatening.

This is why it’s actually very difficult to change our habits, even seemingly innocent ones. We’re wired for sameness and predictability, and any movement out of pattern can trigger resistance and a pull-back to the safety of the well-known, even if the old habit is not that good for us in the long-term.

How can we navigate more comfortably the inevitable transitions of life, both at work and at home?

1. Be compassionate with yourself

It helps to know that no matter how excited we might be about the upcoming change, our nervous system is not going to like it when it happens. Anticipating this challenge and validating our fluctuating emotions and increased fatigue can greatly support us in navigating the situation with more self-compassion and better self-care.

2. Break it down in smaller parts

If possible, it pays off to break down the transition in smaller parts. Navigating small changes one at a time will make it less intense for the nervous system. It’s not always possible, but it’s worthwhile to try when it is. For example, as soon as you know that you’re going to face a big transition at work, plan a succession of small steps that can be taken to adjust to what can look like an overwhelming future new reality. It’s harder to do when faced with an unexpected painful change or loss, but not always impossible. That’s why we often hear people say: “One day at a time”. It’s a way of breaking down something big whose outcome might not be yet known into more manageable chunks.

3. Soothe your nervous system

Because changes trigger the nervous system into the fight/flight/freeze mode, every little bit counts to relax it as much as possible throughout the activation phase. Think about getting as much sleep as possible even if the quality of your sleep is affected, making a point of having super healthy meals, taking magnesium supplements orally or by soaking in a bath spiked with Epsom salts, and taking regular breaks throughout the day to breathe deeply and relax the body as much as possible.

The good news is that our nervous system is highly adaptable. Its plasticity is what allows us to learn and adjust to whatever happens, even when it’s very difficult at first or when we get older. We can rely on the certainty that eventually the new routine will be wired into our system, and that what was once threatening has become the new normal.

Do you struggle in times of transition? Coaching is the perfect support to navigate changes and transitions. Contact me for a free consultation if you’d like to explore my coaching services.

Your Superpower Is Your Self-Awareness

Regardless of what you would like to accomplish in your professional or personal life, the foundation of your progress is going to be your self-awareness.

What is self-awareness?

It’s the ability to tune into your Inner Observer or Inner Witness at will. The Inner Observer is the part of you that can observe everything that is happening inside of yourself with objectivity and non-judgement. It’s like an inner camera that you can choose to turn on in order to observe what thoughts are running through your mind, what feelings you are experiencing, and what sensations are coursing through your body.

Why is it important to develop your self-awareness?

Your self-awareness gives you access to all your resources and all dimensions of your intelligence - your knowledge, your emotional sensitivity, and your instincts. All of this information is extremely valuable, and the power to turn your attention to it in order to access it fully is incredibly important to make progress on your path of development and fulfillment.

Not being self-aware means being run by our unconscious thoughts, feelings, and impulses, and being biased by what tends to be most prevalent for us in a given time, which could be a specific thought, emotion, or sensation. This is perfectly normal, as being on autopilot is our unconscious way of functioning. It takes commitment and practice to disengage the autopilot, make contact with our Inner Observer, and practice turning it on at will.

When you turn your attention back inside, you can:

• Observe your thoughts, interrupt unproductive ones, and choose more useful ones. This is key to managing the inner critic, work with your distractions, and stay focused on your goals.

• Observe your feelings, validate them with self-compassion, and find the needs underlying them. This is essential to foster a good connection with yourself and others.

• Observe the sensations in your body, detect new impulses arising in yourself, and be able to shift from impulsivity to making a choice on how to respond. This is what supports your well-being and self-care - tuning into the messages that your body sends you, so that you can take good care of yourself.

Regardless of your goals, success will rest on the foundation of your self-awareness since you need access to all the information that your mind, heart, and body send you. You need to have a healthy body, a solid connection with yourself, and the possibility of focusing your mind at will in order to fulfill your intentions. And because we are part of various personal and professional networks of support and collaborations, let’s remember that mutually satisfying business and personal relationships also depend on our self-awareness and on the self-awareness of others.

How to develop your self-awareness?

In order to develop muscles, you’d work out on a regular basis, starting light and progressively increasing the load with more weight and more repetitions, as your muscles grow stronger.

You can follow the same principles for your self-awareness. You can start small with just a couple of pauses every day, simply taking 3 breaths in full awareness of what is happening in your mind, heart and body. These pauses could be taken when you get up in the morning, when you reach for your water bottle to take a sip, when you wash your hands, etc. There are plenty of opportunities to take a quick pause, turn on the Inner Observer, and welcome what you notice with awareness and compassion.

By doing this, you’re truly building your superpower. 

The Seven Levels of Intimacy

What is true intimacy?

• What does it mean to be emotionally available or unavailable?

• Why do some relationships last throughout all seasons of life while others do not?

• How can two partners feel more fulfilled in their relationship?

Answers to such questions can be explored with Matthew Kelly's "Seven Levels of Intimacy". In his book he explains how relationships grow step by step, from the most superficial level to the deepest level of intimacy.

While some relationships are meant to remain at lower levels of intimacy (with the mail delivery person or our boss for example), our relationship with our life partner will be most fulfilling if we can reach the seventh level of intimacy.

Without further ado, here are Kelly's Seven Levels of Intimacy:

• Level 1 - Clichés ("Nice weather, isn't it?", "How are you doing?")

• Level 2 - Facts ("I was born in...", "Where are you from?")

• Level 3 - Opinions ("I think that...", "What's your opinion about...?")

• Level 4 - Hopes and dreams ("My hope for the future is...", "What do you dream of for your life?")

• Level 5 - Feelings ("When... happens, I feel...", "I need your support", "How can I make you feel loved?")

• Level 6 - Faults, fears, and failures ("I regret..., "My greatest fear is...", "What has been your most disappointing failure?", "How can I help you?")

• Level 7 - Legitimate needs ("My physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual needs are...", "What are your needs?", "How can I help you become the best version of yourself?")

Even though a model can't explain all the nuances of a relationship, this way of looking at intimacy is extremely helpful because it clarifies complex situations. With this model, we can start answering the questions at the top of this post:

• True intimacy is not just sex, companionship, and achieving common goals together. It's about exploring and helping each other fulfill valid human needs (which include but are not limited to sex, companionship, and common goals).

• Being emotionally available in a relationship means being able and willing to move past Level 4 and authentically share feelings, fears, and failures with another person.

• Relationship “fast-forwarding” is when a partner speaks and acts as if the relationship had already reached a deeper level of intimacy. A new relationship must go through each level one by one; levels can only be bypassed in imaginary relationships, not in real ones. By the way, real relationships are primarily happening in person, not by text or phone calls.

• Although some relationships don't have the necessary compatibility to continue in the long-term, a lot of relationships fail because they get stuck at a low level of intimacy despite progressing with the external aspects of weddings, homes, kids, etc. Deepening the relationship past Level 4 is necessary for a relationship to last long-term and be fulfilling.

• To find fulfillment, both partners need to clarify what would make their relationship great and stick to that purpose. Moving targets lead to the "Grass is Greener Syndrome". Aiming for Level 7 makes for a great relationship purpose because it brings the focus on helping one another valid human needs rather than pursuing capricious wants.

How intimate do you and your partner feel? How could you nurture the level of intimacy that your relationship has reached? What could help deepen your relationship intimacy?

Managing Failure

Have you ever worked hard at starting a new habit - or stopping an old one - by creating a solid plan of action, getting effective support, and motivating yourself to stay on track... and yet have fallen off the wagon?

You're not the only one!

It's actually perfectly normal. Working on a new challenge usually involves a few cycles of trial/error and of success/failure. Blame it on that pesky homeostasis.

What's going to make a difference is how we respond to failure.

1. Responding at the cognitive level:

Let's go back to our initial plan of action and assess it. Would starting our new resolution in the spring or summer work better than in winter? Would there be a more suitable day/time to implement our new activity? Would we need additional support?

2. Responding at the emotional level:

The antidote to judgment is compassion, and it's no different when dealing with self-judgment. Showering ourselves with self-compassion is the most effective way to quiet down our inner critic when it's especially harsh in our time of failure.

3. Responding at the physical level:

Bouncing back into action immediately is essential because the longer we wait, the harder it is to get back on track. So we pick ourselves up, we dust ourselves off, and we start again.

Journaling Questions:

• What's my usual response to failing? How does it impact my progress?

• How do I feel physically and emotionally when I experience failure?

• If I fell off the wagon, what actually happened? Did I lose track of my values? Were my logistics off? Did I lack support?

• What changes do I need to make to my initial plan before it makes sense to start again?

• How can I become more compassionate to myself?

Feeling Love vs Doing Love

Isn't falling in love one of the most delicious human experiences?

Staying in love over the years is not bad either!

One of the most valuable Ah Ah moments of my love life happened when I learned the difference between experiencing love as a feeling versus understanding love as an action.

Love as a feeling comes and goes, as most feelings do. Given the fleeting nature of feelings, it's risky to rely on feelings of love to keep a relationship going in the long-term. 

What is more likely to sustain a happy and healthy relationship is committing to the consistent effort of doing love. We can't choose to feel loving feelings all the time, but we can choose to do love, everyday, day after day, regardless of the intensity of our feelings in the moment. This is unconditional love.

When we feel love, we have chemistry. When we do love, we are affectionate.

When we feel love, we obsess. When we do love, we appreciate.

When we feel love, we make assumptions. When we do love, we pay attention.

When we feel love, we have expectations. When we do love, we accept.

When we feel love, we try to control. When we do love, we allow.

And with that said, relationships need more than love. Love can be unconditional, relationships are conditional. Remember to develop healthy boundaries and to maintain the ability to make a graceful exit if your relationship has truly run its course.

Maximize Your Self-Care ROI

Self-care, or taking care of our well-being, is much more than recreation and pampering. It’s about building up and nurturing our life force in all three of our Centers of Intelligence (Body Center, Heart Center, Head Center). It takes time and effort to engage in practices that build reserves of energy, and it’s an investment - we have to put in the work regularly so that we can reap its benefits when we need them the most. Basically, it’s not fun, at least not all the time - think about going to bed early to have a good night’s sleep for the benefit of the next day rather than watching a couple more TV shows because we really want to know what will happen next in the story. A couple more episodes are actually more fun than sleeping two extra hours, but it’s the extra sleep that will pay off the next day and beyond.

It is very tempting to believe that we can always  “add one more thing” in our schedule, or hold the unconscious belief that there is not enough time for well-being and self-care. Yet, nurturing our life force is the foundation of everything we do, and although some people have more energy than others, no one has unlimited reserves of energy. Symptoms show up to alert us that we’re drained in one or more Center and that we need to rest and replenish our energy.

Paradoxically, the more we do, the more space and time we will also need to allocate for building our reserves back up. Therefore there is a limit to what can be added in the schedule, and there is an equilibrium to find between our regular commitments and the replenishment of our reserves in all three Centers.

When we do not have much time for self-care practices, how can we get the best return on the time and effort that we invest in our well-being?

Each one of us tends to:

• Favor one center and overly relies on it,

• Have a relatively balanced center that is stable and pretty healthy,

• Neglect/ignore the third center.

Interestingly, symptoms tend to show up in the centers that we overuse and ignore, because there is not enough energy flowing in these centers. For example: over-thinking or confusion/numbness in the Head Center, intense emotions or avoidance of feeling in the Heart Center, “over-doing” or physical tension/pain in the Body Center, etc. 

To maximize our Self-Care ROI, I find it most effective to focus on our weakest center of intelligence. The bad news is that it does not come intuitively and is likely to trigger some resistance; the good news is that such focus can lead to good results relatively quickly, thanks to the rebalancing effect that strengthening our weakest center will have. When we inject energy in the neglected center, we naturally soothe the overused one, and allow it to come back to balance.

Examples:

• For someone overly relying on their emotional center and neglecting their physical center, exercizing vigorously could be very effective to process feelings somatically. Such practice would result in releasing the energy of old emotions effectively and therefore centering more quickly.

• For someone overly relying on their physical center and neglecting their mental center, committing to a journaling practice could be a very beneficial activity to encourage reflection and contemplation. This would result in more clarity, less confusion, and more comfortable and effective decision-making.

• For someone overly relying on their mental center and neglecting their emotional center, engaging in an art practice based on what they feel in the moment would be a creative way to balance their three centers. Such practice would result in greater self-compassion and have a positive effect in relationships with others.

We tend to do more of what we already do too much, which can actually be draining instead of replenishing. How about challenging this impulse so that we can boost the effectiveness of our self-care regimen, and rebalance Mind, Heart, and Body at the same time?

Journaling Questions:

• What center of intelligence do I tend to overly rely on?

• How do I know? What examples come to mind?

• What center of intelligence do I tend to neglect/ignore?

• How do I know? What do I consistently avoid?

• What activities do I engage into a lot that tend to reinforce this imbalance?

• What new activity could I implement to strengthen my weakest center of intelligence?

Asking For Support

The concept of asking for support when facing a difficulty or when getting started with a new intention got ingrained in me during my training as an Integral Coach.

After all, on one hand, it makes complete sense. We’re not alone. We're in this together. Let's encourage one another and build each other up.

On the other hand, simply considering asking for support can trigger pretty nasty rants from the inner critic:

• “Support? What kind of loser needs support?”

• "It's so easy, you shouldn't need any help."

• “Are you going to make a fool of yourself by revealing that you're working on that!?”

• "You're so weak. Strong people don't need help."

• “If you get support, it’s not really going to be your success, isn’t it?”

And on and on and on. Our inner critic is so scared of change, even positive, that it will do everything in its power to avoid what is perceived as vulnerability.

Yet, asking for and getting support as we deal with a difficulty or embark on a new challenge could lead to fantastic outcomes:

• Benefiting from an accountability partner to help us stay on track.

• Inspiring someone to work on their own challenge.

• Teaming up with someone who would like to fulfill the same intention.

• Trading ideas to increase our chances of resolution or success.

• Creating a network of mutually supportive relationships.

• Giving a chance to someone to be of service.

• Practicing humility.

No success is ever truly 100% our own. For a start, most of us owe our daily energy to the people who work very hard at growing our food. How about allowing a family member, a friend, or even a new acquaintance to help us handle our difficulty or succeed in our new intention?

Journaling Questions:

• How am I feeling emotionally and physically when I consider asking for support?

• What's the state of my network of support? Who might have capacity to help me?

• Who could be interested in working with me on the same intention or as accountability partners?

• How would I express myself to request help or support?

• Who could I support? How would I offer support to someone? How would I respond to a request for support?

Purify Your Relationships From The Toxicity Of Resentment

Resentment is mentally re-experiencing past events and difficult feelings in ways that are emotionally, physically and spiritually destructive. Being resentful is literally stewing in old layers of anger that has not been fully processed and energetically eliminated from our organism.

In relationships, anger is usually activated in response to the following triggers:

• When we think that someone did or say something to us that was thoughtless or hurtful.

• When we think that someone did not do or say what we believe they should have done or said.

• When we think that someone have not done enough for us.

And when an episode of anger is not fully understood, processed, resolved with the other person when appropriate, forgiven and let go of, it gets buried into our organism. If we allow the cycle to repeat itself over and over, we build resentment. Then resentment coats our psyche like an invisible but dangerous layer of fuel; a simple spark is capable of triggering a five-alarm fire.

 “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” (Nelson Mandela)

Although we might believe that we have been wronged and that the other party should be punished, the irony of resentment is that it actually emotionally, physically and spiritually hurts us; not the other person towards whom we feel resentful.

When resentment is directed towards our life partner, over time it slowly erodes our emotional connection to them, which can sadly lead to the ending of the relationship if no appropriate healing measures are put in place. In professional relationships, resentment leads to the loss of trust and respect, which makes working together very challenging to say the least.

Choosing to let go of resentment is not a gift to the other person, it’s a gift of healing to ourselves and when appropriate, to the relationship that is affected by our resentment.

Interestingly, as I have listened to the confidences of multiples people suffering from resentment, I realized that the initial reaction in the chain of events leading to resentment often comes from very good intentions:

• A desire to be fair and accepting in the relationship.

• A respect of the other’s person own difficult feelings or situation in the moment.

• A belief that it’s fruitless to “complain” since facts can’t be changed.

How tragic it is to be engulfed in the suffering of resentment when it’s a good intention that started it all!

The unconscious mistake that is made in all of these situations is holding the belief that facts matter more than feelings, and that some feelings are invalid or unfair. The truth is that feelings impact relationships - both personal and professional - more than facts, and that all feelings are always valid and fair, even if we must remember that they are no accurate representation of the whole truth of a complex situation.

Therefore, at the core of resentment is a problem of not really knowing what to do with our feelings, a discomfort with our vulnerability, and sometimes a desire to control the outcome of a conflict.

Now, what can we do to purify our relationship from the toxicity of resentment?

Of course, the best approach is to not let resentment build up in the first place. Learning and using the following skills would allow the cleansing of our relationship on a regular basis:

• Increasing self awareness by learning to identify and validate our feelings in real time. Becoming able to identify which feelings are triggered from present events and which ones are activated from old wounds.

• Learning to listen well in order to understand the other person's point of view (this allows to discern intent from impact).

• Developing the courage to ask to be listened to patiently, and to express our own feelings and experience of a situation, by making sure to avoid the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

• Energetically letting go of the physiological and emotional components of the difficult feelings experienced.

• Radically forgiving ourselves for our own contribution, and the other person for theirs. Forgiveness is real strength!

• Carefully choosing what to do next. Hopefully forgiveness is followed by a new beginning in the relationship, but sometimes forgiveness has to be followed by a graceful goodbye.

Now, if a personal relationship has been impacted by long-term resentment, it’s going to take a lot more work to heal it, because first you'll have to learn the above skills quickly, and then you’ll have to go back in time with your partner, family member or friend and address each issue and disappointment that was not fully processed in time. If there are decades of old stuff to process, it’s going to take a lot of time and energy and it’s going to feel painful before it feels better. It’s like a physical cleanse, the toxins have to come out before healing can take place.

If you’re still committed to your relationship, if you are still compatible in your values and goals, and if there is still some respect and love, you can work it out. Don’t give up quite yet. Roll up your sleeve, ask for support, and get to work!

Your Life Purpose Is To Flourish

If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

You started as a seed, then came out of your mother’s womb as a beautiful young seedling full of mysterious potential. After years of growing up, you developed a root system, a trunk, as well as some branches.

But there is more to life than the 9-to-5 routine and the cycle of get up-work-take care of others-sleep-repeat, and you can feel this call for more getting louder and louder in your heart. What kind of fruit is your tree meant to grow? What’s the mysterious potential with which you came into the world?

This yearning for “more” is not about getting more stuff or about waiting for the world to change to accommodate you better; it’s the call to live your life purpose, to become more of who you are meant to be. It is to discover and grow the unique fruits that your tree-self is meant to produce and offer to the world. It’s to be the change we want to see in the world.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs beautifully illustrates our need for self-actualization, and also how we get there. Maslow’s pyramid shows us why we can’t truly flourish before all our other essential needs are taken care of. Basically, it demonstrates that we can’t produce fruits without having a well-nourished root system, a solid and stable trunk able to survive storms and fires, and the protection of the forest to thrive as a community of trees sharing resources and support.

First step: Your basic physiological needs and your safety (Levels 1 and 2):

Even though it might look like we’re all good with the first two levels if we have a safe place to sleep and food in the fridge, it’s worth double-checking how well we’re really doing here. As a coach working with people seeking support to achieve the needs of Levels 3, 4 or 5, the need for more work in the first two levels is constantly revealed. Ask yourself: Do you sleep well and enough? Is your regular diet supporting your unique organism? Do you feel energized and strong without needing caffeine and other substances? Is your household running smoothly and efficiently? Are your finances healthy and able to support you long-term?

I know, right? There is always work to do with the first two levels. We need to nourish our roots and maintain our safety and security as we cycle through the seasons of life.

Second step: Developing your network of support (Level 3):

The third level is about love, connection and support. It’s an essential need that we all have regardless of our introversion or extroversion levels. We can’t function as a solo tree; we live in forests, our root systems deeply interconnected to share resources. And it takes specific skills to build and nurture mutually satisfying relationships with others, and thrive in the delicate balance of giving and receiving. It’s an essential step to focus on, as you work towards the top of the pyramid. How well do you listen? How do you express your needs and maintain your boundaries? How do you collaborate with others? How do you balance caring for yourself and others? How do you nurture your most precious relationships?

Third Step: Discovering what you are meant to do, and doing it (Levels 4 and 5):

It’s difficult, if not impossible, to discover what you are meant to do - and to do it joyfully - when you feel overwhelmed by the demands of the first three levels of the pyramid. Having the needs of the first three levels truly met actually means that there is ease in fulfilling these needs – at least most of the time – and that there is spaciousness to devote to other aspects of life. If all your time and energy is spent working too much to fund an out-of-balance lifestyle, busily taking care of others at the expense of yourself, and therefore being exhausted and overwhelmed as you are keeping too many balls in the air, there is no space for the slower creative process of discovering who you are, manifesting your intention, and living a truly fulfilling life. How can you simplify your life and create space? How can you find balance between self-care and the care of others? How can you encourage the other members of your household to create spaciousness too?

With spring in full bloom, how would you like to blossom in this season of renewal? What needs are you going to focus on? And most importantly, who will support you in your journey?

*** Current offerings:

Starting in May 2022, I will have space for two new coaching clients! Contact me if you’re interested in being skillfully and lovingly guided on your journey of self-actualization.

John Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

A few years ago, I was asked this interesting question by a prospective coaching client:

“Amongst all the relationship experts out there, who is your inspiration?”

I had a hard time naming one expert as a source of inspiration. During my 15+ year-long research and exploration of the topics of self-care and relationships, I learned from a lot of experts and from very diverse sources of wisdom, and I discovered that what inspired me evolved as I became older and got married.

And then a few days later I was reminded of John Gottman’s incredible contributions to the building and nurturing of happier and healthier relationships, and I realized that he has definitely been an ongoing source of inspiration in my relationships and in my marriage.

Gottman conducted a fascinating research study based on observing the conflict management style of many couples. He discovered four behaviors that correlate with a higher risk of divorce later in life. He suggests couples to eradicate these behaviors and replace them by more respectful and constructive ones. Because these behaviors are also harmful in other relationships - including professional ones - I strongly suggest addressing them beyond our romantic or intimate relationships.

Without further ado, here are Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of a relationship, also known as the most likely predictors of divorce. Avoid them at all cost, and eradicate them as soon as you see them creep into your relationships!

1. Criticism:

Criticism is an attack of the whole person, whereas a complaint without blame addresses a specific behavior that we would like to see change.

• Example of criticism: “You always forget to take out the garbage!”

• Tip: Ask yourself “How am I feeling?” and “What do I need?”, and use NonViolent Communication to speak up.

• Example of a specific complaint: “I’m feeling overwhelmed by the household chores. I would appreciate it if you could help me by taking out the garbage.”

2. Defensiveness:

Being defensive is a reaction of self-protection in response to a perceived attack that unfortunately often ends up blaming the other person in return. It does not recognize the partner’s feelings and opinions, which of course never helps to resolve the conflict. Who enjoys not feeling seen and heard?

• Example of defensiveness: “It’s not my fault if we ran out of milk, you’re drinking more milk than me."

• Tip: Recognize your contribution to the problem, even if your contribution is only partial.

• Example of recognizing a partial contribution: “Well, I did not realize that the milk was running low last time I used it. I wish I had paid attention at that time. How about we figure out a system to make sure we don't run out of milk anymore?"

3. Contempt:

According to Gottman, contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce amongst the four behaviors to avoid. It comes from a place of superiority, which has no place in a happy and healthy relationship. Contemptuous statements involve name-calling, sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor. It must be eliminated.

• Example of contempt: “You’re lazy." (*making a disdainful facial expression*)

• Tip: Nurture an environment of respect and appreciation in your relationship and express your feelings and needs gracefully.

• Example of appreciation:  “I appreciate all the hard work you do to fix things around our home. However I feel burned out and need more support with the kids. What would you be willing to help me with?"

4. Stonewalling:

Stonewalling means withdrawing from the interaction, either physically by walking away, or emotionally by becoming numb. None of these behaviors help manage a conflict.

• Tip:  Be mindful of your emotional arousal during a conflict and ask for a break when it becomes too high. Make a promise to come back to it once you have soothed yourself. Take your mind off the problem for at least 20 min and go back to the discussion once refreshed.

For more information, consider visiting The Gottman Institute's website.

And with all of this being said, please remember that - as with every source of wisdom - what leads to concrete results is putting the wisdom into practice. Day after day after day.

All Feelings Are Valid. Not All Underlying Stories Are.

What do the following goals have in common?

• Managing stress more skillfully

• Deepening your relationship with your children or partner

• Nurturing authentic friendships

• Receiving negative feedback with more ease

• Addressing and resolving tensions and conflicts

All these very common goals (you might have one or more of these!) greatly benefit from validating your own feelings, as well as the feelings of the person with whom you are in a relationship with.

Feelings and emotions are completely normal experiences. They are as normal as other physiological processes such as breathing, sweating, digesting, peeing, etc. Would you say that it’s not valid to pee?

I don’t think so!

Emotions arise when our nervous system wants to alarm us of a need to pay attention to something that is happening, inside and/or outside of our self. When we simply feel the emotion, observe it, validate it and act mindfully in response to it, the wave of emotion passes, and our nervous system goes back to neutral… until it’s time to feel something fresh.

If feelings are so normal, why do we tend to automatically and chronically invalidate them?

It’s because we’re conditioned to do so from a very young age, for two main reasons:

1. Feelings are not the problem - but the way we express or repress them often is.

Because the way we release the energy of our emotions can pose problems when it’s done impulsively rather than mindfully, we are conditioned as children - and we train our children - to not have emotional reactions in the first place. We - and our parents - mean well - we want children to fit in and be accepted in the culture in which they have to navigate.

Our emotions and feelings are not the problem though. It’s how we express them that can pose problems, when our impulsivity affects others negatively. Ironically, the more we train ourselves to deny, repress, shame, numb out, project, swallow, disguise, and reject our feelings, the more likely they will end up being released in unsavory ways later. It’s a vicious cycle that starts in early childhood.

If we don’t release our anger mindfully and compassionately, it’s going to come out in the form of violent words and actions. Or it’s going to turn itself inwards and become chronic depression.

If we don’t process our sadness and grief mindfully and compassionately, it’s going to wrap itself around our heart, and prevent us from giving and receiving love freely in our most precious relationships.

If we don’t make contact with our anxiety mindfully and compassionately, our fears will also move into the background and affect our choices and relationships in self-sabotaging ways.

And it’s the same with all other feelings from shame and jealousy all the way to the positive ones like joy and love. Yes, some of us have been conditioned to not feel and express positive feelings!

Invalidating feelings lead to great pain and illnesses - both mental and physical - and also to all kinds of relationship issues.

2. Feelings are not the problem - but the underlying story activating them can be distracting.

Another reason why we shame ourselves for our feelings, and therefore reflexively tend to invalidate our feelings and the feelings of others including of our children, is because we might have decided that the underlying reason having activated the feeling is invalid.

If the story is invalid, the feeling must be invalid, right?

Actually, no.

Let’s say that a child is afraid of the dark and of a monster under the bed. His loving parent does not want him to be scared about something they know does not exist, and means well by telling the child to “not be afraid.” There is no monster under the bed, therefore the child should not be afraid. End of the story.

The problem is that for the child, the fear is real in his body. It’s happening, and it’s truly uncomfortable. The mind of the child associates the fear with the story of a monster under the bed, but the nervous system might simply be activating anxiety because there is a yearning for connection with the parent or another very valid need. The fear needs to be validated and the need must be met, so that the alarm system can be soothed and go back to neutral.

But when the child hears that “he should not be afraid”, he finds himself facing two unhealthy choices: 1. Stopping trusting his parent in order stay connected to his inner truth of fear, 2. Stopping trusting himself in order to stay connected to his parent, and not be rejected.

None of these options is really good, right?

By the way, the same happens when your partner is scared, sad or angry. When we invalidate their feelings, we inadvertently force them into the same choice: disconnecting from us or from themselves.

And the same also happens when we invalidate our own feelings. We disconnect progressively more from our inner knowing and inner truth, as we prevent the natural release of the energy of our emotions. Since this energy has to go somewhere, our unprocessed feelings will start affecting our health and relationships negatively. 

So how to address feelings in a more self-affirming way?

By validating the right for the specific feeling to arise and be experienced, while not automatically validating the underlying story (regardless of whether it’s actually true or not).

When the parent says to the child “I see that you are scared. May I hold you for a while as we lay down together for a little bit with the lights on?”, the child does not need to disconnect from the parent or from himself. But they are not encouraged to believe that there is a monster under the bed either. The beauty of validating feelings is that there is no need to debate whether the story is right or wrong; simply attending to the basic need of the child for autonomy, connection and safety will support the return of his nervous system to neutral.

And it’s the same for your partner’s anger, sadness or fear.

They can be mad in reaction to what you did, did not do, said, did not say. It’s all valid for them to feel activated in this way. What is not necessarily valid is the story they are telling themselves about you. You can validate and be present to their anger, without having to validate the underlying story. After having connected emotionally with them, you could even compassionately challenge the story.

Validating feelings is the key that unlocks our personal healing, and it’s also the key to deeper and more authentic relationships.

Validate feelings. Keep the underlying story separate.

Happy and Healthy Relationships Don’t Require Hard Work.

“Relationships need a lot of hard work.”

Is it just me or do we hear that line all the time?

Guess what? A good relationship must actually be easy. 

A happy, healthy, and long-lasting relationship - friendship or romantic - grows on a fertile soil of love, compatibility, good character, commitment, and the ability to shift from reactivity to response. The nurturing of such relationships definitely takes consistent effort. Hard work? No.

The problem with encouraging the association of a relationship with hardship can lead to accepting striving, struggling, and sometimes plain misery as normal aspects of developing a close bond with someone.

If you want to harvest a happy, healthy, and long-lasting relationship, invest in seeds of ease and comfort, and commit to consistent but reasonable gardening efforts.

If a relationship takes "hard work," it’s best to do a graceful exit before making a long-term commitment.

Do you need more support? Working with an Integral Coach is one of the best method to develop and strengthen essential relationship competencies such as mindfulness, compassion, active listening and healthy communication skills.