Preferences Vs Boundaries

A few years ago, I wrote this article about boundaries. Since then, this topic has only become more present in my awareness, as I progress on my journey while supporting others on their own path towards happy and healthy personal and professional relationships.

Healthy boundaries are really that essential to create and maintain satisfying personal and professional relationships. The question that arose since my last article concerns the difference between a preference and a boundary.

Preference vs boundary:

A preference is something that you’d like to have or see happen, but that you can live without if it’s not available or possible. You can continue a relationship with someone who does not honor your preference.

A boundary is a must-have, something that you can’t live without because it connects to your values and what matters most to you. You can’t continue a relationship with someone who does not respect your boundaries.

For example, you can have a preference about people not going into your bag or purse to borrow a pen or something like that without asking you. Perhaps you don’t like it if they do it, but you’re ok if they do. On the other hand, you could have a boundary about this, and be strict about not wanting people to go into your personal bag or purse without asking you. Both are ok, but it’s important for you to know the difference for yourself, so that you can communicate this fact clearly and respond accordingly.

Consequences of having a boundary:

When it’s a boundary, you must be willing to take extra steps to protect it and you must be willing to go as far as letting go of the relationship with anyone not willing or able to respect your boundary. The stakes are that high. Therefore it’s essential to be very clear about what are preferences versus what are boundaries. Perhaps you think that something is a boundary, but it’s actually a preference, as you are willing to accept not having your preference respected. You might realize that it’s not that big of a deal.

If you have a boundary, you need to be willing to enforce it. Enforcing is a strong word - I don’t know what other word to use to convey that there will be escalating consequences for not respecting it. Not because the person not respecting it is bad or wrong, but simply because you love and respect yourself enough to put the boundary in place and protect it.

For example, a boundary might be that you refuse to be yelled at by anyone - your partner, a friend, a coworker, a boss,... It’s a good boundary to have if you ask me, but to each their own of course. If it’s a boundary and not a preference, you will have to enforce it. If someone yells at you, you will have to be willing to calmly say that you are removing yourself from the conversation until the person can communicate with you without yelling. And to actually act on it and remove yourself from the situation. This is actually how you will get the respect that you deserve.

This takes a lot of courage, because by doing it you might also activate the other person’s own preferences or boundaries. If that person has power over you, like a boss, you might also face consequences in return. Having real boundaries is not for the faint of heart, so you have to choose them carefully. However, when they are that important to you, and you are able to enforce them, you will feel so much more comfortable with yourself, you will have better relationships, less drama, and overall a better life. Even if it means sacrificing a certain job, letting go of a relationship, and giving up other advantages.

Conversely, if you do not enforce the boundary, you will be inadvertently teaching the other person that it’s ok to continue treating you that way. Since you’re not that serious about it, it must be a preference right?

How to clarify boundaries:

There are two steps to define and enforce your boundaries. The first step is communicating in advance what your boundary is and what the consequence would be for not respecting it. This is especially helpful when interacting with children who are not yet capable of sensing and adjusting by themselves. It can also be useful when starting a new relationship.

The second step is naming and then enforcing the boundary when it has not been respected. This is extremely uncomfortable for most agreeable people who want to be nice, because it means saying no. This is where the rubber meets the road, and when we can truly know for ourselves if we are serious about having a boundary or not. I hear a lot of people claiming that they have boundaries, only to give up really quickly when it’s time to enforce the boundary. If it’s easy to let it go, perhaps it was just a preference. If it’s infuriating to let it go, you might be violating your own boundary for the sake of trying to be nice to the person not respecting you. 

In order to clarify and enforce boundaries, it really helps to use a healthy communication style. This also takes practice. Consider learning the Nonviolent Communication model by Marshall Rosenberg. It’s not a perfect model for all situations, but it’s really helpful to get you started if you need help.

Another element to keep in mind is to take things progressively. It would be too harsh to go from yes to suddenly no, and leaving the relationship! People have different values and boundaries, and building healthy relationships require sensing and adjusting to each other as we discover individual ways of doing things. When a boundary is first crossed, you could give a simple yet clear warning that it does not work for you. The next time, you could enforce the boundary by giving the consequence. And you could wait for a third occurrence to take more drastic measures. It also depends on what is actually happening - wearing dirty shoes on your clean carpet is not the same as being shoved against a wall, right?

Avoiding rigidity:

As I wrote years ago, we don’t want to have rigid boundaries - they would be defenses and not healthy ways to keep unwanted things out. It’s important to work at having as few boundaries as possible, so that we keep them for really essential things, such as to protect our values and make sure that we are treated with respect. Is it really that unacceptable if people don’t take off their shoes when they visit your home? Is it that unacceptable if people are 30 minutes late? Perhaps we can work around those, and turn them into preferences. Boundaries can also be negotiated, and compromises can be found for lot of things. Healthy relationships also benefit from fluidity and flexibility. 

Conclusion

For the sake of our mental health and the health of our relationships, it’s essential to enforce strict boundaries around how to be talked to, how to be touched, how to be considered in important decisions, etc. For that, we must be willing to be courageous and make the necessary sacrifices to protect our self and our emotional well-being. We have to walk the talk.