Follow Your Inner GPS

Have you ever felt a sensation of “I just know” - without having any words or rationale to explain it? Perhaps it was when making a decision between several options, saying yes or no to a new possibility, sensing whether or not to pursue a relationship… The sensation of what to do kind of just came to you, you went with it, and it turned out well.

This “I just know” sensation is our intuition, a mysterious integration of our body, mind and heart intelligences (and perhaps other intelligences too), that is expressed in sensations by our inner guidance or inner GPS. Someone religious or spiritual might use a language involving God, guardian angels, or any other meaningful choice. Regardless of the words used, it’s this hard-to-describe sensation that is not head-based and that is actually tricky explain in words. When we follow such guidance, we’re usually well served and end up satisfied with the results.

How strongly are you connected to your inner GPS? How do you access it when you need it most? How do you know when it’s your GPS guiding you versus another, less intuitive and more reactive, part of you?

What’s tricky is indeed differentiating our inner guidance from other impulses that we routinely experience and that could seem similar at the surface level. The “I just know it’s the right person” when dating, for example. Yet in most instances it’s intense chemistry or a craving for connection that is driving our so-called certainty, rather than our much more subtle intuition.

A key element of our inner guidance or inner GPS is that its messaging is usually quite neutral emotionally. The guidance is low intensity, yet clear and obvious. When intense emotions are involved, the resulting information usually comes from other parts of our system - more reactive, more impulsive, more personality-driven.

It’s important to note that our intuition doesn’t always guide us to what we think we want, and it sometimes seems to defy logic. Yet there is a peaceful, neutral certainty about it.

Living life in alignment with our inner guidance makes all the difference when it comes to making wise choices and ultimately feeling fulfilled. Sometimes it takes us away from things or people we thought we “wanted”, and it ends up being for the best; and other times it leads us to places that initially feel unlikely or even uncomfortable, only to turn out to be the ideal direction.

 How do we cultivate a strong relationship with our inner GPS? 

• Slowing down: living life at a slower pace and with enough of quiet time allows us the spaciousness to sense our more subtle sensations. 

• Mindfulness: a self-observation practice is essential to becoming knowledgeable about our internal landscape, and being able to differentiate intuition from emotions.

• Self-regulation: learning to regulate emotions in real-time to calm down the nervous system supports a more neutral baseline, allowing the noticing of our more peaceful, more neutral intuition.

• Practice and feedback loop: practicing following our intuition and taking notes about the results over time, and giving ourselves feedback on whether it was real intuition or impulsivity. Over time, practice leads to expertise.

Working with an Integral Coach is an excellent way to receive customized guidance on your journey towards building a stronger connection with your inner GPS. Contact me for a free consultation if you’d like to explore what it would look like to work together.

How To Get Unstuck

Have you ever felt stuck?

We can feel stuck in a job, in a relationship with a partner, child or parent, in a specific emotion... We can feel stuck because of ongoing unemployment, a recent retirement, or general directionlessness, but we can also feel stuck in a state of busyness and overwhelm, trapped in the sensation of running on a treadmill that never stops.

Regardless of what led us to feeling stuck, let’s remember the wise words of Einstein:

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” (Albert Einstein)

To get unstuck and restore flow, we’re going to need to access a different kind of intelligence. Such higher level intelligence is already within our self, but most likely still untapped. 

Here are a few ideas that I have tried, either when I need to restore flow in an area of life that is not moving, or when I want to open my whole energy system up to new ways of thinking and experiencing life:

1. (Re)connecting with yourself:

Establishing, committing or recommitting to a practice of connecting with yourself is the most important practice you can do, so please consider only doing this one if you can’t do anything else. 

Get started by simply committing to spending 5 minutes each day to just with yourself, breathing and doing your best to fully be present in your body and feel all your physical sensations. You can do it indoors, outdoors; you can do it in complete silence or by playing some relaxing music. You choose.

When things are stuck and/or overwhelming, such small practice can either seem like too much already or feel like it can’t possibly scratch the surface of your current predicament. When doubts arise, please remember that you need to access a new way of thinking in order to feel better, and that any new suggestion is going to feel foreign and perhaps even crazy.

Being willing to give a chance to something new is the first step to accessing more of your inner intelligence. This process itself is intelligent.

Personally, I’ve been doing various forms of this practice for over 15 years, and it has supported me in all the ups and downs of life. Even In the middle of intense schedules, conflicts, health issues, deaths in the family, I sit with myself for a few minutes every morning and every evening and I remember myself.

2. Engaging in a new creative outlet:

It’s incredible what simply engaging in something brand new or in an activity that you haven’t done in a long time can do for you. It can truly move your energy in surprising ways. The new hobby doesn’t even have to connect to what you’d like to see unstuck, it’s not about logic, it’s about moving your energy, and opening new possibilities in the mind, heart and body.

Ideas to consider trying: taking walks alone, journaling with pen and paper, drawing, dancing, writing, folding origami, doing puzzles, etc.

Recently I started doing some indoor gardening, playing with plant propagation and enjoying watching roots slowly grow in water. On the recommendation of my husband, I’m also following a guided meditation series focused on visualization. Both activities are new to me and not my usual “cup of tea”, yet I’m already noticing some new creativity and motivation arising in completely different areas of my life. 

3. Asking others for input:

Finally, reaching out to someone who is doing well in the area where you’re stuck is going to open up new possibilities. It could be colleague, a friend, a family member, anyone really. Just message them and ask if they’d have a few minutes to give you some input. This is actually what I’m currently doing this summer - asking friends and colleagues to give me a little bit of time to share suggestions and advice in areas where I want to grow. It’s amazing how their ideas and the great questions they ask have helped me think in new ways, and how much wisdom can be received this way. We’re not alone, and we can support one another. We just have to ask.

Conclusion:

We tend to always do the same things, over and over and over, as we’re creatures of habit. As Einstein reminded us, the same old same old is just not going to cut it when we face difficulties. For some, it can be hard try new things, and pretty much for everyone it’s harder to commit to new habits, especially when we’re not feeling great. Yet, it’s when things don’t work that we most need change. Start your new practice with just a few minutes each day, and take it from there. Give it a chance, and trust that when some flow will be restored, you will have more motivation and energy to continue and build from this new momentum. Reconnecting to yourself will unlock new thinking, feeling and behaving. Allow yourself to be surprised!

Forgiveness Is Not Forgetfulness

When someone’s actions lead to pain for our self, it can feel impossible to forgive. After all, forgiveness can feel like giving a gift to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Could this be because we get confused about what forgiveness truly is?

1. Forgiveness is not a gift for the other person.

Forgiveness is actually something that we do for our self, not for the other person. The other person doesn’t even need to know that they are been forgiven. Forgiveness is a crucial step on our path to healing and recovery after having been mistreated, hurt, or worse. 

Not being willing to forgive, or at least try to, can literally harm us. Forgiveness is a gift that we give to our self, so that we can heal from our wounds. Not forgiving leads to resentment and holding on to past hurts. The perpetrator is not punished when we refuse to forgive, it’s actually our own self who is punished by resentment. Let’s not add unnecessary suffering to pain. 

2. Forgiveness doesn’t mean giving a second chance.

Sometimes, we will forgive while also being able to give a second chance to the person who wronged us. Perhaps it’s because it was a small incident, perhaps it was because it was an obvious unintentional mistake; perhaps it’s because the person took accountability for their actions and engaged in steps to make changes. In such case, giving a second chance is appropriate and even desirable. We’re all human. We all make mistakes.

And with that said, there will be plenty of situations that are not suitable for second chances. This could be due to the nature of what happened, or the lack of responsibility taken by the other person, or any other reasons. In that case, forgiveness is still possible but it should not be followed by giving a second chance, or even maintaining a relationship with the person in question.

3. Forgetting could actually hurt you.

On the other hand, equating forgiveness with forgetting can lead to violating our own boundaries and therefore expose our self to further pain. If a second chance is appropriate, it’s actually useful to remember that it’s a second chance, not a first one. Some people are not in a stage of life where they can change. We are in charge to decide how many chances we are willing to give; to do that we have to have a good memory.

Forgiveness, however, is always possible.

We Are Our Habits

"Your habits are how you embody your identity." (James Clear)

Do you have an important goal that still hasn’t materialized in real life?

Being motivated alone won’t get us there. The only way to make progress with our dreams and manifest them into reality is by adopting new habits aligned with those goals and the identity of the person you want to become.

A few years ago, I wrote this article on how to align our long-term goals with daily action items, and more recently, I wrote about the power of organization. Organization and discipline are the foundations to adopting and staying committed to supportive habits.

“The only proper way to eliminate bad habits is to replace them with good ones.” (Jerome Hines)

We also need to replace the habits that don’t serve our long-term vision by new ones that are aligned with who we want to be. Unfortunately it’s not easy to let go of old habits or to commit to new ones. Our nervous system adopts habits that generate an internal reward, and doesn’t stay committed to new habits that don’t bring immediate pleasure or satisfaction. That’s why most of us fail with New Year’s resolutions. When a resolution only relies on willpower, it doesn’t take long for the habit to be abandoned and the old ones to return in full force. We need more than willpower to stay committed.

If you want to learn more about how to work with habits, I recommend you to read “Atomic Habits” by James Clear. As you explore his suggestions, it’s also really important to reflect on what caused pain or is causing pain in your life. Our habits are rooted in attempts to get our needs met, and the intensity of our needs is proportional to our unhealed pain and trauma. I believe that it’s another important element to consider in addition to Clear’s phenomenal ideas. The greatest gift you can give yourself is healing your old wounds.

From a place of deeper healing and relaxation, some of our most compulsive habits lose their grip and more energy is made available for adopting new, more productive, habits that will support us in manifesting our most precious dreams.

“Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Taking A Breath

Taking a breath is probably the most powerful practice we can train ourselves to add to our daily life.
Taking a breath allows us to “buy time” by squeezing a little pause before speaking or acting impulsively. It’s that mini pause that leads to being to make a choice rather than react on autopilot.

Taking a breath also allows us to self-regulate. This might actually require a few breaths; but nevertheless taking slow mindful breaths engages the section of our vagal nerve that is able to calm down our activation and therefore reactivity.

Finally, taking a breath allows us to integrate any new positive choice that we have made or any new beneficial experience that we just went through. It takes 11 seconds to wire a new habit into our nervous system, which is more or less just three breaths.

How to train ourselves to add this practice to our daily life? Here are a few ideas:

• Putting a sticker or an elastic band to your usual mug or glass, or to another familiar object that you handle regularly at home or at work. Could be the soap dispenser next to the sink.

• Wearing a piece of jewelry to symbolize this new intention, like a ring, a bracelet, etc. Each time you will see it or feel it, you will remember what you are up to.

• Associating taking a breath to a specific habit that you already do often, such as washing your hands, filling up your glass with water, drinking, etc.

The breath is always happening in the present moment. When we connect to it mindfully, we can use it to regulate our emotions, choose response over reaction, and wire new positive habits into our nervous system. It’s totally worth it to train ourselves to do this multiple times per day, so that we have access to it when the stakes are really high and we really need to pause and respond rather than react.

Connecting To Yourself

The most fundamental practice to anchor our well-being and ongoing personal development is making time to connect to oneself on a daily basis. Such daily practice is called an inner work practice. For some people, it’s connected to a religious tradition, for others it’s spiritual but non-religious. The common element among various styles is making it a time of self-remembering, beyond the roles we play and activities that we engage in.

Although I started years ago with just one daily practice, I’m now committed to both a morning practice and an evening practice. I allow myself to be flexible about when I do them, and for how long each practice lasts, but they have to happen. It is extremely grounding to start each day with this practice, and to end the day with a time of self-observation before going to sleep.

What does an inner work practice entail?

It can take various forms and flavors, but the core of it is connecting to your true self or Essence. In order to do that, there must be a physical, emotional, and mental component, so as to connect to all three centers of intelligence. Personally, I like to start with a few mindful breaths, engage in a physical movements and stretches, and also check myself at the emotional and mental level. Setting up an intention can also be part of a lovely morning practice.

Being committed to a daily practice truly supports living an intentional life. It naturally prevents overwhelm and burn out because it reconnects us to who we truly are. These times of checking in with myself allow me to get back to my core, beyond the demands and intensity of daily life. There is a lot of noise and distraction, and my daily practice gets me anchored into the part of myself that can observe and be with all of it without being swayed by any particular event or strong emotion. From this place, there is a greater access to inner guidance, freedom of choice, and joy.

How about you give it a try?

Got Dopamine?

Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that makes us feel energized and motivated. We need enough of it to feel good and function well in life. When we have unresolved pain or trauma, or simply tend to be overwhelmed on a regular basis, we will feel the need for more dopamine to feel better. At that point we will be more likely to turn to substances and habits to get extra “dopamine hits”, such as sugary foods, alcohol, compulsive shopping, binging on TV shows, and perhaps even stronger drugs or really unhealthy habits. We absolutely need dopamine, and we will do anything to get it even if the long-term consequences of those habits are not good.

How can we get enough dopamine in healthy ways?

In addition to working at healing old pain and trauma, and avoiding or recovering from burn out, a great way to keep our biology in equilibrium is by engaging in activities that naturally increase our dopamine, and doing this a few times per day. 

What do you enjoy doing that that brings you pleasure, motivation and a sense of reward, while being healthy and positive in the long-term as well? Do more of that!

Here are a few ideas to check out:

• Eating foods high in protein

• Exercising regularly (it does not have to be super intense)

• Spending some time in the sun

• Listening to music

• Getting enough sleep at night

• Laughter!

And with that said, too much of a good thing - or at the wrong time of the day - can cause problems. You don’t want high dopamine levels at night when you’d like to fall asleep. Make sure to engage in your dopamine-inducing activities earlier in the day, when high energy and motivation are the most desirable. As the day turns into the evening, calming activities boosting relaxation-inducing neurotransmitters are more useful.

By taking good care of your nervous system, you will feel more at ease and more able to get to the next stage in your life.

The Power Of The Enneagram

Discovering the personality system called the Enneagram in 2006 has been the greatest gift of my life. Everything that works well in my life, I owe it to understanding myself and others through this lens, and to the healing work that I have done thanks to the guidance of this tool.

Needless to say, the Enneagram has become a central part of my life. I don’t think that an hour passes by without me observing myself through what I know about my Enneagram Type. The Enneagram and the transformation that it facilitated in me is what prompted me to shift from a 20-year career in science to a one dedicated to human development. After getting certified as an Integral Coach, I eventually became a Certified Enneagram Teacher in the Narrative Tradition, and over the years I have shared the Enneagram with people from all walks of life.

The self-awareness, self-understanding, and understanding of others that became possible for me… I want to make all of this accessible to anyone who wants these gifts for themselves and the people they care about. Since 2018, I have worked with Enneagram Prison Project to bring the Enneagram into as many jails and prisons as possible, and it’s been incredible to witness the transformation that is possible when incarcerated people start to understand themselves, and why they do what they do.

Why is the Enneagram so powerful?

The Enneagram describes 9 Personality Types organized in a symbol that is pretty much a map of human personality structures. Compared to other valuable personality systems, the Enneagram goes several steps deeper: beyond describing your personality, it describes the deep patterns that run our belief system, our emotional tendencies and our behaviors. When we believe that we have free will and that we make choices, the reality is that we’re actually run by deep programming inside our nervous system and psyche. Part of this programming is very useful and actually necessary: it allows us to survive complicated situations by making us react quickly and efficiently. On the other hand, being run by an autopilot limits us greatly in our capacity for making real, value-based, choices, in our ability to form and sustain healthy relationships, and in becoming more resourceful and wise. 

In addition to describing these patterns, the Enneagram also reminds us that we’re actually not our personality. When other systems tend to keep us within a “label”, and use the label to tell us what we should do with our life, the Enneagram tells us that we’re meant to leave the box that we have unconsciously stuck ourselves in. We’re meant to embrace the wholeness of who we are, and access the gifts and resources of the other eight types. We’re meant to be free!

How to get started?

There are several ways to get started, from reading a book to attending a workshop. A typical starting place for people who are getting interested in the Enneagram is trying to find their type. Tests are everywhere, and a good place to start, but they also tend to be inaccurate - yes, even the best ones like the RHETI offered by the Enneagram Institute, and that I recommend as first choice. Nevertheless, tests can help you narrow the nine options down to three or four, and your correct type could very well be within these few options.

Another great way to get started is to do a Type Exploration with a certified Enneagram Teacher. This will involve doing an interview where you will be asked a lot of questions to figure out which types you resonate most with. Because there is a back-and-forth with a facilitator who knows the system and the types very well, you’re much more likely to be guided to the correct type, or at least to your two most likely options.

What comes next?

And with that said, finding our type is truly just the beginning. Type is just a label. The power of the Enneagram is rooted in what we do once we know our type. Blossoming in the gifts or our type and freeing ourselves from ingrained patterns can only be achieved through ongoing self-observation with plenty of self-compassion. When we make contact with our contractions in full presence and acceptance, something magical happens over time: the pattern releases its grip, and we get a bit more spaciousness around our automatic habits. From that expansiveness, we get access to more of our inner resources, and therefore become able to make real choices on how to respond to life. This ability to make choices is true freedom.

Once we’re exploring our Enneagram Type with sincerity, a solid path of personal development can open up. Plenty of books are now available, with advice for each type. Enneagram coaches and therapists offer a customized support for greater specificity and efficiency. As an Integral Coach who is also an Enneagram Teacher, I love blending the two methodologies to help my clients get maximum results.

I’d be delighted to support you in discovering your type and design your next steps. Please contact me if you’d like to do an Enneagram Type Exploration with me. If you’re already a bit further on your path, consider working with me through an Enneagram coaching program. You will wonder why you didn’t get started earlier!

In the meantime, here are some of my favorite Enneagram resources:

• The Enneagram Institute

• The Narrative Enneagram

• The Essential Enneagram

• The Wisdom of the Enneagram

• The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram

The Foundation Of Organization

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”

- James Clear, in “Atomic Habits”

Themes tend to emerge among my coaching clients, a sort of interesting synchronicity. Lately it’s been all about organization!

What I mean by organization are all the tools, structures and systems that we create and use to manage our resources (time, energy, money, possessions, etc), and to stay on track with our tasks and commitments. It involves scheduling, budgeting, organizing our digital documents and physical possessions, etc.

It’s not about having instagrammable pantries and laundry rooms, with expensive fancy containers and cute labels; it’s about having a way to manage our time and energy, having what we need on hand, knowing what we don’t have, and finding the stuff that we know we have around the house. Our systems can also certainly look good, but it’s not necessary. It just has to work!

Simple and easy to maintain are all we need. We should only make our systems more elaborate if doing so brings joy.

In the Integral Coaching methodology, creating, using, and maintaining systems are considered an essential category of human development, just like our self-awareness, our self-care, our relationships, etc, and it makes so much sense. If we do not have effective systems to organize ourselves and our life, it’s going to be difficult to function well. Any new intention such as starting or stopping a new habit will be difficult if we don’t have a good time management and scheduling system. And a lot of time and energy will be wasted without a system to manage our finances and our various other resources.

Personally, I have systems to manage four main areas in my life. You might have more than that, depending on the complexity of your life. Here are a few ideas and questions for each of these areas, in case you would benefit from some fresh perspective.

Fair warning: I use Google Drive tools a lot A lot!

1. Time Management - Scheduling

Time is a limited resource, and commitments and tasks have a knack for filling up our schedule until there is no time left for important personal self-care activities. It’s essential to create and maintain a system to schedule all our activities - not just our commitments to other people but also to our self.

I use two systems to organize my tasks and commitments: 1. A Google calendar (technically I use multiple Google calendars) for scheduled commitments such as specific meetings and appointments, as well as recurring monthly or yearly tasks such as paying bills, planning birthday cards/gifts, keeping track of my other systems, etc. 2. A Google Drive Doc with my daily tasks listed by day for the upcoming week. This document lists the daily appointments and tasks that the Google calendar has reminded me of, in addition to all the to-do items to complete that day. At the end of each week, I update this document with the tasks for each day of the following week.

The digital format works well for me because I can access this document from any device, even on the go. When I plan the next week, I can simply copy-paste for each day what happens daily, as well as what needs to be postponed to the next day. No need to rewrite everything, and it saves paper.

What about you? What do you currently use for your scheduling? What works well, and what does not work?

2. Financial Management - Budgeting/Accounting

Another critical area of life is to have a good understanding of our financial situation. For that, it is super useful to keep track of all our spending and be able to compare it to our intended budget. It’s also important to keep track of the balances of all of our bank and investment accounts. Many systems exist to make this possible, from paper systems to Excel spreadsheets, and even apps that automatically track your expenses and categorize them for you.

As the CFO of our household, I’m in charge of keeping track of all our joint expenses and account balances. Like for time management, I exclusively use digital methods but not automated applications. I keep track of our expenses on a weekly basis in a shared Google Drive Sheet with my husband, with all the spending categories listed in separate columns, with a different tab for each month of the year. For our accounts and balances, I use a different shared Google Drive Sheet where all our accounts are listed - personal and joint ones, checking, savings, retirement, brokerage, etc. Account balances get updated every quarter so that we have a clear picture of our asset allocation and net worth over time.

Your turn! How do you keep track of your spending and savings? What serves you well, and what could be improved?

3. Documents Management - Filing

It’s easy to get overwhelmed by paperwork! Thankfully, in this digital age there is a way to limit the tsunami of paper and store a limited amount of physical documents. But if you have not dealt with your paperwork in a while, it might be painful to get started depending on your specific situation.

I’m actually in the process of reorganizing all my personal documents, as well as our joint household documents. I’m planning to shift from a vertical filing system to a binder system, and convert as many documents as possible to a digital version. Eventually binders will be used for all the documents that I need to keep in paper version, with some boxes for manuals, booklets, etc. whereas everything else will be stored digitally in personal and joint Google Drives. By the way, I strongly recommend couples to create a joint Google account, so that you have a joint Drive to save and easily access household documents.

And you, how are you organizing your documents? What is easy? What is challenging? What could support you in this area?

4. Household Supplies Management - Organizing

The last area that I’d like to discuss is how to organize our possessions and household stuff. Decluttering our possessions is useful to do once per year, to prevent the accumulation of unneeded stuff. Organizing and managing the supplies that we consume on a regular basis is another essential task to add to our routine so that we always know what we have, what we don’t have, and we can find what we need!

It’s inefficient to constantly buy more rice or laundry detergent because your stocks got lost in the back of your pantry or cabinet. Food could be wasted that way, and you could find yourself regularly buying things that you actually already have buried somewhere. Conversely, it’s frustrating to have to drive to the store at the last-minute because of running out of essentials.

For our household supplies, all the consumables that we regularly use are listed in a - you guessed it! - Google Drive Sheet in a checklist format. Once per month, I go through all the cabinets in the house where we store those supplies to check the status of each item and I check all products that I need to order. Most of our regular consumables, including food staples like rice, dog food, etc. are purchased online to get the best prices. With this method, we never run out of what we need, we avoid having to visit many different stores in person, and we get the best pricing on everything.

What’s your method for keeping track of your household supplies? How do you avoid running out of essentials, or having unnecessary duplicates?

Conclusion

Working on our organization greatly supports our self and what we want to accomplish with your life. Systems are useful because they free up energy for what truly matters, and that’s why it’s well worth the effort to establish them in the first place. Once created, we just need to maintain them on a weekly or monthly basis, and things effortlessly stay organized. You can start small, take your time, and before you know it, you will feel more grounded in this area of your life, and everything else that is truly important to you will work a little bit better!

A Solo Retreat At Home In The New Year

Happy & Healthy New Year!

A great way to refresh, recenter, and rebalance yourself is to schedule a solo retreat at home once in a while throughout the year. It’s simple and inexpensive, yet a very efficient way to reset while reconnecting with yourself. It’s a wonderful self-care practice to prevent or treat overwhelm and burnout. How about planning on doing this a few times this year?

But first off, why solo?

Being on our own is the only way to truly be with just our own energy system, without interference from the energy system of others. It also allows us to access more presence and self-awareness because alone we are not distracted by what others might say or do. Because the purpose of this retreat is to refresh, recenter and rebalance our self, it’s really essential to be just with our self. And with that said, you will find another way of doing a home retreat at the end of this post; another type of retreat with a different intention and purpose.

How to create a solo retreat at home?

1. Schedule your retreat day with the members of your household

The first step is to get everyone in the household - partner, kids, housemates - on board, either by asking them to give you a dedicated space that you will be able to use by yourself for the whole day (without distraction), or even better by asking them to leave the house for the day. That’s why scheduling in advance is so important - in addition to making an intention and commitment to yourself, you will have a better experience if everyone in the household supports you. If it’s impossible to get some private space just for yourself at home, consider doing your retreat elsewhere, like in a hotel room or short-term rental.

2. Select your retreat’s activities in advance

The second step is to pick activities that will both engage and relax each of your Centers of Intelligence. Ideally, you will do something for your Body Center, Heart Center and Head Center. For each center, you could choose an activity that will engage it and another one that will relax it.

Examples:
* For the Body Center, an engaging activity could be doing some stretching, yoga, or a walk in your neighborhood. A relaxing activity could be taking a bubble bath with Epsom salts and/or essential oils.
* For the Heart Center, an engaging activity could be journaling about recent events and all the emotions you felt in connection to them. A relaxing activity could be doing some artwork, such as coloring, drawing, painting, playing music etc. or anything else that brings you joy.
* For the Head Center, an engaging activity could be watching an educational video about a personal development topic that you feel drawn to learn more about. A relaxing activity could be doing a guided meditation practice, or simply let your mind wander for a while.

As you can see, these activities do not strictly relate to only one center. The Centers are not separate, they’re integrated. However it could be useful to be intentional about engaging and relaxing each center, and observing how you move through these activities.

As you plan or engage in these practices, you might notice a resistance towards either a specific Center or in response to the action of engaging or relaxing. If you’re a very active and assertive person, you might not want to do any emotional processing and even relaxation might feel challenging. On the other hand, if you’re a more quiet, heady person, you might not be into physical activity. Notice what comes up, and gently challenge yourself even if just for 5 min. Bringing each Center of Intelligence “online” is part of rebalancing and recentering yourself.

3. Create a flexible flow

Finally, once you have an idea of the various retreat activities that you will do, create a flow for the day that will be pleasant to you. It does not have to adhere to a strict schedule. Make sure to add time for healthy meals and snacks, perhaps a small break to check your phone and deal with potential emergencies if absolutely necessary (thinking of you, parents of young children!), and a time slot with nothing at all. How about a nap? Please, be intentional but also flexible. Follow your instincts - it’s a retreat not a boot camp!

4. Get ready for your solo retreat

The day before your personal retreat, remind everyone of your intention, let them know that you won’t be reachable during the day, and tidy up your space in preparation. Make sure that you have all the food and supplies that you will need. Turn off your phone before going to bed. Your retreat will start when you open your eyes the next day.

5. After your retreat

At the end of the retreat or the following day, reflect on what you did and how you felt. Notice what was easy and pleasurable, and what perhaps caused some resistance. Reflect on how you reacted or responded, validate all of it, and enjoy getting to know yourself this way. And celebrate your day!

Other ideas:

This particular retreat is all about refreshing and nurturing yourself; that’s why it’s done solo. With more and more busyness and constant digital connection with others, unplugging and recentering with oneself is essential. Doing it at home makes it accessible and inexpensive.

Occasionally you could also consider inviting someone else to join you, and turn this experience into a couple’s retreat, friends’ retreat, or a parent-and-child’s retreat. When shared with another person, the element of refreshing and relaxing yourself is still present, but it will be more about getting to know the other person and bonding more deeply with them than connecting with yourself. If you invite a partner, friend or child, make sure to choose your retreat activities together so that it feels good to everyone.

Make time to refresh yourself in 2024! You need it, you deserve it, and you will reap many benefits from it.

The Greatest Gift You Can Give Yourself

Healing our old emotional pain is the most precious gift that we can give to our self. It’s also the most profound journey that we can undertake.

Imagine that you have one or more wounds on your arm or leg that would have only been covered by thin band-aids. They’d be a bit protected but the wounds would be raw and perhaps still bleeding underneath the band-aids. If someone inadvertently bumped into one of your wounds, it would hurt, and it would be tempting to assign blame to whoever had caused you that pain. The problem is that the person bumping into you has just bumped into you – they have not caused your wound. The bump hurt because of the wound that was already there, not because of the bumping itself. If there were no wound, the bumping would not have been pleasant but it would not have hurt that much.

The purpose of this metaphor is to illustrate the incredible sensitivity and memory of our nervous system. From the time we were conceived to today, we have gone through various small and big painful events and traumas that impacted our nervous system. Some pain got processed and healed, but unresolved, unhealed pains got trapped into our tissues. These old unhealed wounds are like the raw physical wounds of the metaphor - still bleeding underneath temporary band-aids because they have never been properly tended to and properly healed.

The most obvious area in life where people “bump” into each other is in marriages or domestic partnerships. Two imperfect human beings living together are going to constantly “bump” into one another. For example, one person wants to have a lot of time in solitude whereas the other wants to spend more time together. Or one person wants a very organized home while the other is comfortable with more things laying around. These differences are like bumps on old wounds.

If my need for autonomy has not been respected when I was younger - and that pain is still unhealed - I will be hyper sensitive to anything “bumping” into that unmet need, even if it’s a small thing. If my need for connection was not met enough when I was a child, I will feel hurt each time my partner wants to spend time alone or with friends, because their desire “bumps” into my old wound of lack of connection. If I was not validated and celebrated enough when I was little, I will be very reactive to any negative feedback, because the criticism will feel like a “bump” into my wound of “not being good enough”. I could go on and on with examples.

Of course, I’m not saying that we’re not dealing in the present moment with boundary-pushing people, too indifferent partners, or overly critical bosses. After all, these people also carry old wounds and try to get their needs met. What I am saying is that the foundation of our suffering is our unhealed wounds and trauma. When we complete their healing, we become more objective about the “bumps” we have to deal with on a regular basis. We become more discerning about what’s really happening, whether we’re truly being disrespected, abandoned, or blamed, or if we’re instead dealing with an old echo from the past.

Taking the time to go back to each wound, gently removing the dirty band-aid, cleaning the area, carefully bandaging it and caring for it until new skin can grow is necessary to finish the healing process. It takes time, it’s a bit messy and uncomfortable, but it’s how we get old pains and trauma out of our system so that we can truly live in the present, taking in each new experience freshly.

As we end the year and start planning for a new one, how about we commit to stopping hastily putting new band-aids on old wounds by denying, repressing, numbing, and modifying our emotions? What if we all took the time to really heal our old pains with gentle care? Even with still thin new skin, next time someone will “bump” into the place of old pain will not feel as painful and we will feel less reactive because our healing will be more complete.

You might be thinking that you don’t have old wounds. Well, think about the last time you felt triggered while driving, with your family, or at work. If you have reacted internally or externally in a way that was disproportionate to what actually happened, you have old wounds. We all do.

With more healing, there is much less suffering, and much more energy available for blossoming and thriving. Therapy and coaching are all about supporting this healing process, so please be in touch if you’d like to find the right support for yourself. You deserve it.

How Solid Is Your Financial Foundation?

Having a solid financial foundation is essential to our well-being and to fulfill our life purpose.

It doesn’t mean achieving a certain level of wealth, but it does mean being financially stable on a daily basis, and generating enough savings to be able to support ourselves when we are not/will not be able to earn new income.

A solid foundation is therefore not dependent on just earning more money, at least not past a certain threshold. Once we’re talking about income levels above what’s needed to live and not merely survive, more money is not the key to financial stability. What allows the creation of a good foundation is having a comfortable gap between what’s coming in and what’s going out. Your wealth is not what you earn, it’s what you keep.

In a way, money is simply a type of energy - just like food, electricity, gas, etc. What’s great with money is that it’s a very flexible form of energy. We can convert other forms of energy - like our physical, emotional and mental labor -  into money, and conversely we can use money to buy various types of energy (food, fuel, services, etc).

Managing our “money energy” well - just like our other forms of energy - is essential to live well. When we mismanage our food intake, issues arise. When we mismanage money, issues also arise.

In this age of readily available information, people interested in learning about managing their money and improving their financial lives can find plenty of advice and recommendations in books, online articles, YouTube videos, social media, etc. But is getting information truly enough? Good financial management certainly requires some knowledge, but education itself is not enough. Many people struggle with their finances despite knowing what they need to do.

In my observation, a lot of people know the basics: living below one’s means, spending less, saving more, paying off debt, investing savings, working at earning more income, etc. For those people, the problem is not a lack of knowledge but how to work with their patterns and habits around money. Our financial habits are rooted in our personality, family conditioning, and lifestyle choices, and how we interact with money is actually deeply emotional.

For example, even if we know that we should spend less on takeout meals, if we find ourselves constantly overwhelmed, exhausted and hungry at the end of the workday, we will order another takeout meal for the family. Survival will take precedence over knowledge, and it makes complete sense. It’s intelligent to satisfy hunger, and money can help us save time when we need food now. To continue with this example, if we want to save on takeouts, we’ll have to explore the needs and emotions driving us to order takeout food at the end of a long day. We’ll have to look at how we plan/don’t plan ahead, the pace of our days, what overwhelms us, what happens when we’re hungry and there is no food ready to be eaten at home, etc.

As we can see with this simple example, it’s not just a matter of knowing that “I should spend less and not order takeout”. In order to be in a position to not order takeout and save money instead, we’d need to do some investigation and also some planning work. First we’ll have to anticipate being overwhelmed and hungry at the end of the day, and knowing that we’ll want food that tastes good to give us not only the nourishment we need but also the endorphin or dopamine boost that we crave when we’re stressed out. If we want to avoid buying more takeout, we’ll have to plan ahead and make time on weekends to plan appealing meals, get groceries, perhaps even precook dinners so that they’re ready to be eaten when we get home, etc. This requires a lot of reflection and planning, way beyond simply knowing that we should “spend less, save more”. All this planning and reflection can conflict with one’s usual personality pattern, for example if someone is all about spontaneity. And this is only for one simple example about dinner time.

If solidifying our financial foundations certainly starts with education, our main effort will involve working with our personality and deeply ingrained habits. The key to having a solid financial foundation is indeed self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-control. When we know ourselves really well, and when we have the ability to self-regulate our emotions, we can start having more self-control. We can anticipate our needs, and make sure that we have what will make us feel satisfied.

Over time, we realize that we don’t need to use as much money to cope with life anymore, such as needing to spend on services to save time or to soothe our stress. We also don’t need to use money to feel better about ourselves, and money can become the neutral energy form that it truly is. We can start using it more efficiently and wisely, finding a good balance between covering the basics, splurging on some occasional treats, being generous with others in a sustainable way, while also building our financial future for when we will be older and less able to generate new income.

If financial education can give you the knowledge that you need, developmental coaching can help you with everything else. Be in touch if you’d like to work on this topic with me.

Relax First, Work Later!

Wait, what? Wasn’t I writing about procrastination last month?

In the USA and other Western cultures, we’re socialized to “earn” our play time, so why would we even consider relaxing before getting work done? 

First off, the suggestion I’m making today is not for everyone. It was not for me earlier in my life, because I lacked self-discipline when it came to my personal chores and tasks. I needed my commitment to others to get things done, and I needed to get them done early in the day. If it’s your situation, you might want to stick to a more strict discipline.

However when we’re already self-disciplined and productive, we can actually become addicted to our to-do lists, which can lead to overwhelm and/or a lack of rest and relaxation. Some people actually use accomplishing tasks as a way to cope with their feelings and avoid a sense of boredom. Nothing wrong with that, but this can still prevent real rest or at least a sense of spaciousness in our days. To the extreme, this can lead to burnout, as tasks are never-ending.

At some point in my life, I found myself so intent on doing my tasks first and postponing my relaxation to later in the day that I would not get any fun time at all, even on weekends. I would find myself at 7pm thinking “oh well, I still have time to cross two more items off my list”. And suddenly it’s my bedtime and I had not taken any time for true relaxation and fun. This led to frustration, yet it was totally self-inflicted.

Tasks, chores, and work have a way of expanding and filling all the gaps. It’s mind-boggling. Ask someone who is not employed or retired, and they will tell you how their errands and household tasks fill their whole days. If you are retired, it’s not a big deal, and age can also be a factor, but if you’re still in your active years, it’s not a good thing because it can make you either inefficient, or exhausted, or both.

In the last few months, I decided to switch things up on my weekends and make time for relaxation and fun first thing in the day. After getting up, I would linger on the couch with a book, go for a hike, and/or watch a movie with my husband. The laundry might have run during the movie, but otherwise I would start my Saturday or Sunday tasks later in the afternoon. 

And it worked! The relaxing time did happen! And because I was committed to accomplishing a few tasks before the end of the weekend, they still got done on time. By the way, the same goes for my workday mornings - by getting up early enough, there is enough time for something fun before starting with work.

So if you’re efficient and productive, and also overwhelmed or lacking relaxation, may I suggest you ask yourselves some questions? Would you be using activity as a coping mechanism? Would you be resisting rest and doing nothing? Perhaps making some changes in your way of living could get you to a win-win situation - being both productive and also well-rested and in balance. Simplifying and choosing good enough will be the key to finding a sustainable equilibrium, promoting greater well-being and more joy in your life. And frankly, also being more pleasant to be around for your partner, children, and friends.

For some people, relaxing first and working later is worth considering. Try it out!

Why We Procrastinate

Procrastination is not really a big deal, isn’t it?

Until it is.

If you are starting to be annoyed with your procrastination - perhaps it negatively affects your health or important relationships - it’s time to ask yourself why you procrastinate in the first place!

There are four main reasons:

1. You are overconfident

Unconsciously you know that you can get the task done in a shorter amount of time than available between now and the deadline, even if you also know that you’d do a better job with more time. Such confidence leads you to postponing starting working on the project in question.

2. You can’t tolerate clumsy beginnings

Starting something new - perhaps from scratch - can lead to facing the uncomfortable “blank page”, the raw, unpolished first draft, or the beginner’s level of what you’re getting into, perhaps for the first time. This unskilled beginning does not match your ideal vision of the finished product, so you don’t even start in order to avoid an attack from your inner critic (“Look at how bad you are at this!”).

3. You’re addicted to anxiety

What about needing to feel stressed to get to work? When you only have one night left to complete your project, adrenaline and cortisol are coursing your body to alarm you of the need to get it done if you don’t want to get in trouble. This gives you the drive to finally get to work. If you can’t get started without being activated by these heightened body sensations, you might be addicted to the anxiety generated by your procrastination.

4. You are resisting what needs to be done

Perhaps you know that you need to do something that you just do want to do at all, like making a doctor appointment, or opening some old bills. Although there might not be any immediate outside pressure or deadline, you are trying to avoid the negative feelings associated with what you otherwise know to be important to do. In the process, you’re unfortunately making the situation progressively worse even if in the short-term there is no immediate negative consequence. Your health will suffer from not making that checkup appointment; your finances will suffer from not addressing unpaid bills; your relationships will suffer from not making a phone call to your friend, etc.

There might be other reasons why you procrastinate, and I invite you to explore and discover them. Please keep in mind that these reasons are not mutually exclusive, we can do several ones at the same time or for different situations. We could both have an aversion to the clumsy beginning and also be addicted to the anxiety that arises when we’re starting to get behind schedule.

At some point, you might become tired of procrastinating. Perhaps you’re dealing with the negative consequences of it, or it stops working the way it used to.

Personally, although I had never been a terrible procrastinator, I certainly often used to count on the last day or evening to finish things up, and regularly still do a big part of the work that needed to be done. When I started having health issues that prevented me from being certain that I would be 100% functional just before the deadline, I had to change my method. I started creating my own early deadlines to make sure that I would be done in advance, at the level of quality that I was committed to, so that everything would be completed well and on time even if I was not going to feel at my best right before the official deadline. Health issues are not fun, but I am grateful for the positive outcomes that they gave me.

Whatever your reason(s) to stop procrastinating, it always starts with self-awareness. What have you been trying to get by procrastinating? And conversely, what problem(s) does procrastination cause in your life? Start with self-compassion, and explore what’s going on!

And yes, coaching can help with this intention. Contact me for a free consultation when you are ready.

Life Skills To Live Well

Before I start listing my favorite life skills, I need to remind you (and myself) that learning and practicing the following competencies is a lifelong journey. It’s not about seeking perfection, but making progress so that we can live a more fulfilling life.

Without further ado, here are the life skills that can make a huge difference on your path to well-being and fulfillment:

1. Grow your self-awareness. Practice mindfulness on a daily basis. 

2. Eat nutritious foods. Avoid highly addictive substances, and seek help if needed.

3. Sleep enough, and take naps to catch up when you need to.

4. Move your body regularly, according to your energy level and health.

5. Manage your time skillfully, be on time with yourself and others. 

6. Nurture your relationships with family and friends. 

7. Take care of your mental and emotional health. Grow your connection to joy.

8. Be disciplined with your finances.

9. Learn to communicate well. Become a good listener and a compassionate speaker.

10. Educate yourself, especially in areas that are a bit out of your comfort zone.

11. Hang out with people who are smarter than you, and learn from their challenges and successes.

12. Organize yourself, and plan on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis, but stay flexible.

13. Stay optimistic and hopeful in a realistic way.

14. Challenge your usual thinking. Practice thinking outside the box. 

15. Listen to people’s opinions, but do not care too much about what they think.

BONUS: Learn to say NO. No is a complete sentence.

Please remember that it takes a lifetime to progress in all these skills, and no one will ever be great in all of them. It’s truly about the journey rather than the destination. Start by identifying and working at making progress in the 1-2 skills that could make the biggest difference for you right now.

And please also remember that Integral Coaching is all about supporting you in your developmental journey. Contact me if you’d like to explore coaching!

The Art of Listening (2)

A few years ago, I wrote an article about the Art of Listening. Click here to read it.

Five years later, and I feel like revisiting this topic as it’s still the most precious skill I that I learned in my journey as a more present human being. I credit The Berkeley Free Clinic and the peer counseling training I received there for the active listening skills that I got the chance to practice and adopt while serving as a volunteer peer counselor.

Although normal day-to-day relationships certainly need spontaneous back-and-forth exchanges, where it makes sense to occasionally interrupt, react, and interject an opinion, some conversations greatly benefit from active listening skills. High-stakes situations such as disagreements and conflicts come to mind, but also anytime someone shares something more vulnerable

Active listening is probably the most life-changing skill that I teach to my coaching clients, as a lot of professional and personal issues are rooted in communication problems.

I case you’d like to practice the art of listening, here are 4 core skills to start adding to your listening toolkit:

1. Non-verbal and minimal attending skills

It’s “pure listening”. It’s the quality of receptivity, empathy, and acceptance in the listener that creates an atmosphere of deeper exploration for the speaker. It’s all about being present in body, heart and mind, and simply using one’s body language to convey our presence.

2. Paraphrasing

A paraphrase is a brief, tentative statement that reflects the essence of what the speaker has just said and leaves out the details. The listener does not have to agree with the speaker - he or she must simply state what they think the speaker said. This enables the speaker to find out whether the listener really understood. If the listener did not, the speaker can explain some more. A good paraphrase helps the speaker hear what they are saying and gives the opportunity to add or clarify if necessary. It demonstrates that you are paying attention and that you understand what is being said. Paraphrases alone often prompt the speaker to say more or go deeper.

3. Open-ended and clarifying questions

Open-ended questions can’t be answered by yes/no or by only one or two words. These are questions that encourage the speaker to talk without becoming defensive. Good open-ended questions encourage the speaker to explore thoughts and feelings and to work out solutions to problems. The best open-ended questions convey a sense of openness and space. There is a qualitative difference between open-ended questions and “leading questions”. Questions that lead the speaker indicate foregone conclusions and perhaps even an agenda on the part of the listener, which can trigger the speaker to feel judged and misunderstood. Clarifying questions gently probe for more information so that the listener can more fully understand the speaker.

4. Reflecting feelings

Reflection is the art of listening for feeling words and reflecting back to the speaker what you hear as well as what you see in their nonverbal expression of feelings. Since human beings are deeply emotional, everything we communicate has an emotional component. Making space for emotions is the key that unlock great communication, in personal and also professional settings.

Be in touch if you’d like to learn more!

Do You Suffer From “Imposter Syndrome”?

The first time I heard about Imposter Syndrome was in coaching school. Some coaches in training were struggling with being a beginner, later in their career and life. Since then, I encountered many more clients, colleagues and friends reporting a feeling of “being a fraud” as they were starting something new.

This got me wondering about what that was about, and after asking them questions to understand better what was happening, I’d like to offer two scenarios that can lead you to feel like an “imposter” or a “fraud”:

1. You are actually not competent in what you are doing (yet):

In this case, your feelings are based on something real - you’re a bit over your head in what you are doing, you know it, and it probably shows. This does not make you an imposter or a fraud, unless you pretended that you were more experienced than you are to get the job or the responsibility.

Remedy:

• Either you remove yourself from the situation, train yourself to become more competent, and go back at it when you are more skilled.

• Or you candidly state the problem to your team or manager: “Look, I’m not skilled at this yet, what would the best course of action be?” Perhaps they will replace you, or let you continue. No matter what, you must take it upon yourself to get training and increase your skills quickly. Be proactive, get mentoring or coaching, be open to feedback, etc.

• If you have pretended to be better than you actually are, an admission of your error and an apology are in order.

2. You are actually doing well, but perhaps you still have a lot to learn:

In this situation, the feeling of being an “imposter” is all in your head. Your Inner Critic might be giving you a hard time because it can’t accept that you’re not excellent yet. Or perhaps you’re already really good at what you’re doing but your Inner Critic can’t see it.

Remedy:

• You will have to learn to accept where you are, and take it from there. Get a reality check from someone more competent than you who can give you honest feedback, and integrate it to grow in your competence.

• Learn to be a beginner. A beginner is not a fraud.

You can easily heal your Imposter Syndrome by being honest with yourself and others, practice accepting being a beginner when it’s the situation you’re in, and devote yourself to improving a little bit every day.

Do you have problems with your Inner Critic? Coaching will help!

The Processing Walk

The inspiration for my blog topics always comes from one of two sources: what I’ve worked on or what I’m currently working on, or what my clients bring up in our coaching sessions.

As I was taking another of my solo processing walks, I thought about writing about this topic because it’s my favorite and most effective processing practice. 

What is processing?

I call “processing” the action of allowing thoughts and feeling to come to my awareness, and digesting and releasing them. To me, it’s a free-flowing activity that does not have to adhere to any specific structure beside the need to actually allow it to happen. Basically, my only requirement is giving myself some unstructured time on a daily basis when my mind and heart can wander where they want to, so that unconscious and conscious thoughts and feelings can be explored and digested.

Daily processing is absolutely essential. One of the most common symptoms of a lack of processing is trouble falling asleep because of a racing mind. If your bedtime is the first time in the day when you actually stop all activities including mindless distractions, your mind will start processing at that time. It’s totally normal and intelligent - processing is that essential and it needs the absence of distractions to occur. The problem with bedtime processing is that you’re now tired and need to get your 8 hours of sleep, so it can feel frustrating to find yourself with a racing mind and perhaps also emotions bubbling up just when you need to fall asleep.

If this is a regular occurrence, know that there is an easy solution: give your mind and heart open windows of time throughout the day with no distractions to process, digest, and release what has been impactful for you throughout the day.

The Processing Walk

For me, doing this processing while walking around my neighborhood or on a hiking trail is really effective because it allows the release of my pent up somatic energy at the same time. A processing walk is a walk when I let my mind completely wander. I might reminisce about earlier events, think about what happened, feel into the emotions I might not have fully noticed or released yet, and I might perhaps even have imaginary conversations! 

It’s actually not about being present in the moment, and it’s not about practicing mindfulness. That’s another kind of practice that I wrote about here. A processing activity is truly a free-flowing experience - everything is ok, no discipline is required. I might take a processing walk and barely notice what is going on around me - well unless I cross a road or risk bumping into someone of course : )

As I wrote a while ago, we also need a daily mindfulness practice to develop our inner observer and hone our capacity for presence. But because too much mindfulness can prevent the processing of our feelings, we need to balance out our disciplined presence practice with a practice that allows us to release thoughts and feelings in an unstructured manner.

What are other effective processing practices?

Up to you to explore and see what works for you.

Personally, my second preferred processing practice is doing jigsaw puzzles! If I’m too tired for a walk, if it’s too late, etc, I will work for a while on a puzzle while allowing my mind to wander. I usually have a cool puzzle laying around on a puzzle board that I can easily move around.

Other common processing practices are journaling, coloring, and crafting. What are your favorite processing practices? If you don’t have one yet, what sounds good to you to try out? And most importantly, how will you make time for regular processing sessions on a daily basis?

Preferences Vs Boundaries

A few years ago, I wrote this article about boundaries. Since then, this topic has only become more present in my awareness, as I progress on my journey while supporting others on their own path towards happy and healthy personal and professional relationships.

Healthy boundaries are really that essential to create and maintain satisfying personal and professional relationships. The question that arose since my last article concerns the difference between a preference and a boundary.

Preference vs boundary:

A preference is something that you’d like to have or see happen, but that you can live without if it’s not available or possible. You can continue a relationship with someone who does not honor your preference.

A boundary is a must-have, something that you can’t live without because it connects to your values and what matters most to you. You can’t continue a relationship with someone who does not respect your boundaries.

For example, you can have a preference about people not going into your bag or purse to borrow a pen or something like that without asking you. Perhaps you don’t like it if they do it, but you’re ok if they do. On the other hand, you could have a boundary about this, and be strict about not wanting people to go into your personal bag or purse without asking you. Both are ok, but it’s important for you to know the difference for yourself, so that you can communicate this fact clearly and respond accordingly.

Consequences of having a boundary:

When it’s a boundary, you must be willing to take extra steps to protect it and you must be willing to go as far as letting go of the relationship with anyone not willing or able to respect your boundary. The stakes are that high. Therefore it’s essential to be very clear about what are preferences versus what are boundaries. Perhaps you think that something is a boundary, but it’s actually a preference, as you are willing to accept not having your preference respected. You might realize that it’s not that big of a deal.

If you have a boundary, you need to be willing to enforce it. Enforcing is a strong word - I don’t know what other word to use to convey that there will be escalating consequences for not respecting it. Not because the person not respecting it is bad or wrong, but simply because you love and respect yourself enough to put the boundary in place and protect it.

For example, a boundary might be that you refuse to be yelled at by anyone - your partner, a friend, a coworker, a boss,... It’s a good boundary to have if you ask me, but to each their own of course. If it’s a boundary and not a preference, you will have to enforce it. If someone yells at you, you will have to be willing to calmly say that you are removing yourself from the conversation until the person can communicate with you without yelling. And to actually act on it and remove yourself from the situation. This is actually how you will get the respect that you deserve.

This takes a lot of courage, because by doing it you might also activate the other person’s own preferences or boundaries. If that person has power over you, like a boss, you might also face consequences in return. Having real boundaries is not for the faint of heart, so you have to choose them carefully. However, when they are that important to you, and you are able to enforce them, you will feel so much more comfortable with yourself, you will have better relationships, less drama, and overall a better life. Even if it means sacrificing a certain job, letting go of a relationship, and giving up other advantages.

Conversely, if you do not enforce the boundary, you will be inadvertently teaching the other person that it’s ok to continue treating you that way. Since you’re not that serious about it, it must be a preference right?

How to clarify boundaries:

There are two steps to define and enforce your boundaries. The first step is communicating in advance what your boundary is and what the consequence would be for not respecting it. This is especially helpful when interacting with children who are not yet capable of sensing and adjusting by themselves. It can also be useful when starting a new relationship.

The second step is naming and then enforcing the boundary when it has not been respected. This is extremely uncomfortable for most agreeable people who want to be nice, because it means saying no. This is where the rubber meets the road, and when we can truly know for ourselves if we are serious about having a boundary or not. I hear a lot of people claiming that they have boundaries, only to give up really quickly when it’s time to enforce the boundary. If it’s easy to let it go, perhaps it was just a preference. If it’s infuriating to let it go, you might be violating your own boundary for the sake of trying to be nice to the person not respecting you. 

In order to clarify and enforce boundaries, it really helps to use a healthy communication style. This also takes practice. Consider learning the Nonviolent Communication model by Marshall Rosenberg. It’s not a perfect model for all situations, but it’s really helpful to get you started if you need help.

Another element to keep in mind is to take things progressively. It would be too harsh to go from yes to suddenly no, and leaving the relationship! People have different values and boundaries, and building healthy relationships require sensing and adjusting to each other as we discover individual ways of doing things. When a boundary is first crossed, you could give a simple yet clear warning that it does not work for you. The next time, you could enforce the boundary by giving the consequence. And you could wait for a third occurrence to take more drastic measures. It also depends on what is actually happening - wearing dirty shoes on your clean carpet is not the same as being shoved against a wall, right?

Avoiding rigidity:

As I wrote years ago, we don’t want to have rigid boundaries - they would be defenses and not healthy ways to keep unwanted things out. It’s important to work at having as few boundaries as possible, so that we keep them for really essential things, such as to protect our values and make sure that we are treated with respect. Is it really that unacceptable if people don’t take off their shoes when they visit your home? Is it that unacceptable if people are 30 minutes late? Perhaps we can work around those, and turn them into preferences. Boundaries can also be negotiated, and compromises can be found for lot of things. Healthy relationships also benefit from fluidity and flexibility. 

Conclusion

For the sake of our mental health and the health of our relationships, it’s essential to enforce strict boundaries around how to be talked to, how to be touched, how to be considered in important decisions, etc. For that, we must be willing to be courageous and make the necessary sacrifices to protect our self and our emotional well-being. We have to walk the talk.

Got Credibility?

The foundation of your professional relationships is your credibility. 

What is credibility? According to the dictionary, it’s the quality of being believed or trusted. 

When you are credible, people want to work with you. They believe what you say, they find you competent, and they take you seriously. People want credible leaders and credible colleagues. 

Personally I find someone credible when their actions match their words, and when they consistently demonstrate reliability and skill in what they commit to do.

If trust is based on belief, credibility is based on evidence. When we are credible, it’s not about blind belief, benefit of the doubt, or hoping for the best. It’s based on facts, on results, and on consistency.

Consciously or not, people will find you more or less credible based on how you behave over time. Some people ask to be trusted, yet they consistently demonstrate a lack of reliability or a lack of skill in what they do. They might be trustworthy in some aspects, and not credible in others. Unfortunately it does not take many lapses to look less credible - just a couple mishaps that haven’t been acknowledged and corrected will suffice to make you less credible.

How to build your credibility?

1. Integrity

In order to be reliable, commit to projects that you have capacity for, in terms of time, energy, interest, and skill. For that, you need great self-awareness, and acceptance of yourself and your limitations. It’s not uncommon to believe that we have more time and energy than we actually do. 

2. Competence

Because results matter more than effort - we’re beyond participation awards here! - make sure that you commit to action items that you’re competent to achieve to completion and with excellence. It’s not uncommon to believe that we’re better at something than we actually are. 

If you’re a beginner, it’s ok but communicate that caveat clearly, and ensure that you have some outline about how you’re going to do what you want to progress in. Ask for support early - do not stay stuck for days as this will affect your credibility in several aspects. Being humble enough to ask for help builds credibility.

3. Attunement to others

Seek to benefit others, not just yourself. If you fail to deliver what you have promised, recognize the problem, apologize by acknowledging the impact that your failure has had on the other person or people, and refrain from making excuses even if you have valid ones. Communicate clearly what you wish you had done differently, what you have learned, and how it will look like next time. And then do it.

4. Communication

As stated above, communicate your time and skill limitations promptly and clearly, especially if you’re going to be delayed, if you run into problems and need help, etc. Being honest, forthcoming, and vulnerable when it matters are keys to your credibility.

Conclusion

Everything in this list is about knowing yourself well and taking others into account. Focus on communicating clearly and in advance if you see problems or limitations looming, and mak sincere apologies when needed. Mistakes are ok, but they need to be acknowledged, and remedies need to be put in place immediately, even if the remedy is to stop committing to the same type of projects for a while until you have more time or more skill to be able to deliver the expected results.

Credibility is the outward manifestation of your character. And your character is all you have to build trusting and satisfying personal and professional relationships.