What Realizing I Was The Problem Taught Me About Leadership

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There was a moment with a colleague many, many years ago that I’ll never forget.

We were deep into a challenging project, and I was venting about how stuck I felt. She offered a suggestion—something simple, something I hadn’t tried quite that way. And I cut her off.

“I’ve already tried that. It doesn’t work.”

She paused, then tried another angle. “What if you…”

“I can’t. Believe me, I’ve looked at this from every direction.”

I thought I was being direct and realistic. But what I was really doing was shutting down help. My frustration had calcified into certainty. And in that moment, I wasn't leading—I was defending a wall I didn’t even know I’d built.

That evening, I realized how that interaction must have felt to her: invalidating, disheartening, like I didn’t give any worth to her input. Reflecting on the incident led to a deeper reckoning with how my lack of self-awareness was limiting not just collaboration—but my own growth.

Twenty years later, in my work with STEM professionals, I see this all the time: competent people whose unexamined stress reactions—dismissiveness, defensiveness, perfectionism—quietly erode the very credibility and creativity they want to foster.

Here are three self-awareness practices I use myself and recommend to every leader:

  • Micro-check-ins: Before walking into a meeting or responding to a tough question, pause for 5 seconds. Ask yourself: What’s my internal state right now? Am I feeling reactive, depleted, cornered? Just naming it can loosen its grip.

  • Impact feedback: Ask a trusted colleague, “What’s it like to be on the other side of me when things get hard?” Don’t defend. Just listen. Let the truth be a mirror.

  • Values alignment audits: Pick a leadership value you care about (like “openness” or “humility”). At the end of the day, reflect: Did I embody that? Where did I miss the mark? These small check-ins build real change over time.

Self-awareness isn’t about self-judgment—it’s about developing the internal observer that allows us to make the best choices to lead with clarity, humility, and real influence. And the best leaders I know treat it as a daily practice.

How do you show up when you're not self-aware? And who do you become when you are?