All Feelings Are Valid. Not All Underlying Stories Are.
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What do the following goals have in common?
Managing stress more skillfully
Deepening your relationship with your children or partner
Nurturing authentic friendships
Receiving negative feedback with more ease
Addressing and resolving tensions and conflicts
All these very common goals (you might have one or more of these!) greatly benefit from validating your own feelings, as well as the feelings of the person with whom you are in a relationship with.
Feelings and emotions are completely normal experiences. They are as normal as other physiological processes such as breathing, sweating, digesting, peeing, etc. Would you say that it’s not valid to pee?
I don’t think so!
Emotions arise when our nervous system wants to alarm us of a need to pay attention to something that is happening, inside and/or outside of our self. When we simply feel the emotion, observe it, validate it and act mindfully in response to it, the wave of emotion passes, and our nervous system goes back to neutral… until it’s time to feel something fresh.
If feelings are so normal, why do we tend to automatically and chronically invalidate them?
It’s because we’re conditioned to do so from a very young age, for two main reasons:
1. Feelings are not the problem - but the way we express or repress them often is.
Because the way we release the energy of our emotions can pose problems when it’s done impulsively rather than mindfully, we are conditioned as children - and we train our children - to not have emotional reactions in the first place. We - and our parents - mean well - we want children to fit in and be accepted in the culture in which they have to navigate.
Our emotions and feelings are not the problem though. It’s how we express them that can pose problems, when our impulsivity affects others negatively. Ironically, the more we train ourselves to deny, repress, shame, numb out, project, swallow, disguise, and reject our feelings, the more likely they will end up being released in unsavory ways later. It’s a vicious cycle that starts in early childhood.
If we don’t release our anger mindfully and compassionately, it’s going to come out in the form of violent words and actions. Or it’s going to turn itself inwards and become chronic depression.
If we don’t process our sadness and grief mindfully and compassionately, it’s going to wrap itself around our heart, and prevent us from giving and receiving love freely in our most precious relationships.
If we don’t make contact with our anxiety mindfully and compassionately, our fears will also move into the background and affect our choices and relationships in self-sabotaging ways.
And it’s the same with all other feelings from shame and jealousy all the way to the positive ones like joy and love. Yes, some of us have been conditioned to not feel and express positive feelings!
Invalidating feelings lead to great pain and illnesses - both mental and physical - and also to all kinds of relationship issues.
2. Feelings are not the problem - but the underlying story activating them can be distracting.
Another reason why we shame ourselves for our feelings, and therefore reflexively tend to invalidate our feelings and the feelings of others including of our children, is because we might have decided that the underlying reason having activated the feeling is invalid.
If the story is invalid, the feeling must be invalid, right?
Actually, no.
Let’s say that a child is afraid of the dark and of a monster under the bed. His loving parent does not want him to be scared about something they know does not exist, and means well by telling the child to “not be afraid.” There is no monster under the bed, therefore the child should not be afraid. End of the story.
The problem is that for the child, the fear is real in his body. It’s happening, and it’s truly uncomfortable. The mind of the child associates the fear with the story of a monster under the bed, but the nervous system might simply be activating anxiety because there is a yearning for connection with the parent or another very valid need. The fear needs to be validated and the need must be met, so that the alarm system can be soothed and go back to neutral.
But when the child hears that “he should not be afraid”, he finds himself facing two unhealthy choices: 1. Stopping trusting his parent in order stay connected to his inner truth of fear, 2. Stopping trusting himself in order to stay connected to his parent, and not be rejected.
None of these options is really good, right?
By the way, the same happens when your partner is scared, sad or angry. When we invalidate their feelings, we inadvertently force them into the same choice: disconnecting from us or from themselves.
And the same also happens when we invalidate our own feelings. We disconnect progressively more from our inner knowing and inner truth, as we prevent the natural release of the energy of our emotions. Since this energy has to go somewhere, our unprocessed feelings will start affecting our health and relationships negatively.
So how to address feelings in a more self-affirming way?
By validating the right for the specific feeling to arise and be experienced, while not automatically validating the underlying story (regardless of whether it’s actually true or not).
When the parent says to the child “I see that you are scared. May I hold you for a while as we lay down together for a little bit with the lights on?”, the child does not need to disconnect from the parent or from himself. But they are not encouraged to believe that there is a monster under the bed either. The beauty of validating feelings is that there is no need to debate whether the story is right or wrong; simply attending to the basic need of the child for autonomy, connection and safety will support the return of his nervous system to neutral.
And it’s the same for your partner’s anger, sadness or fear.
They can be mad in reaction to what you did, did not do, said, did not say. It’s all valid for them to feel activated in this way. What is not necessarily valid is the story they are telling themselves about you. You can validate and be present to their anger, without having to validate the underlying story. After having connected emotionally with them, you could even compassionately challenge the story.
Validating feelings is the key that unlocks our personal healing, and it’s also the key to deeper and more authentic relationships.
Validate feelings. Keep the underlying story separate.
