The Art of Listening (2)

A few years ago, I wrote an article about the Art of Listening. Click here to read it.

Five years later, and I feel like revisiting this topic as it’s still the most precious skill I that I learned in my journey as a more present human being. I credit The Berkeley Free Clinic and the peer counseling training I received there for the active listening skills that I got the chance to practice and adopt while serving as a volunteer peer counselor.

Although normal day-to-day relationships certainly need spontaneous back-and-forth exchanges, where it makes sense to occasionally interrupt, react, and interject an opinion, some conversations greatly benefit from active listening skills. High-stakes situations such as disagreements and conflicts come to mind, but also anytime someone shares something more vulnerable

Active listening is probably the most life-changing skill that I teach to my coaching clients, as a lot of professional and personal issues are rooted in communication problems.

I case you’d like to practice the art of listening, here are 4 core skills to start adding to your listening toolkit:

1. Non-verbal and minimal attending skills

It’s “pure listening”. It’s the quality of receptivity, empathy, and acceptance in the listener that creates an atmosphere of deeper exploration for the speaker. It’s all about being present in body, heart and mind, and simply using one’s body language to convey our presence.

2. Paraphrasing

A paraphrase is a brief, tentative statement that reflects the essence of what the speaker has just said and leaves out the details. The listener does not have to agree with the speaker - he or she must simply state what they think the speaker said. This enables the speaker to find out whether the listener really understood. If the listener did not, the speaker can explain some more. A good paraphrase helps the speaker hear what they are saying and gives the opportunity to add or clarify if necessary. It demonstrates that you are paying attention and that you understand what is being said. Paraphrases alone often prompt the speaker to say more or go deeper.

3. Open-ended and clarifying questions

Open-ended questions can’t be answered by yes/no or by only one or two words. These are questions that encourage the speaker to talk without becoming defensive. Good open-ended questions encourage the speaker to explore thoughts and feelings and to work out solutions to problems. The best open-ended questions convey a sense of openness and space. There is a qualitative difference between open-ended questions and “leading questions”. Questions that lead the speaker indicate foregone conclusions and perhaps even an agenda on the part of the listener, which can trigger the speaker to feel judged and misunderstood. Clarifying questions gently probe for more information so that the listener can more fully understand the speaker.

4. Reflecting feelings

Reflection is the art of listening for feeling words and reflecting back to the speaker what you hear as well as what you see in their nonverbal expression of feelings. Since human beings are deeply emotional, everything we communicate has an emotional component. Making space for emotions is the key that unlock great communication, in personal and also professional settings.

Be in touch if you’d like to learn more!