Got Boundaries? (Part 2)

Read Part 1 here.

A boundary is only a boundary if you’re willing to enforce it. Otherwise it’s just a preference.

In order to maintain healthy boundaries, you need to know what your boundaries are, you need to communicate them to others, and you need to enforce consequences for boundary violations.

1. Discovering your boundaries:

What are your boundaries? To help you do this inquiry, explore your physical, intellectual, emotional, sexual, material and time boundaries. How do you want to be treated in these various aspects of your life?

As you become more aware of your boundaries, assess whether or not they serve their purpose at this point in your life. Healthy boundaries protect your well-being while also allowing you to have satisfying relationships with others. Too rigid boundaries prevent you from connecting deeply with others, and too loose boundaries put you at risk of losing yourself in others.

This topic is complex - what would be healthy in the context of one relationship could be too rigid or too lose in a different one. We need different boundaries in our relationships with strangers, acquaintances, colleagues, friends and family members. Take your time to journal about this topic.

2. Communicating your boundaries:

We tend to experience our boundaries instinctually because it’s our gut intelligence that detects boundary violations. Because we don’t really think about our boundaries before they’re crossed, we usually don’t anticipate potential misunderstandings and lay out our boundaries in advance. A lot of our boundary problems are dealt with by trials and errors - episodes of reactivity hopefully followed by repairs through conversations.

When friction happens in a relationship because a boundary has been challenged, it’s essential to communicate what happened, what emotions was experienced, and what is needed to be able to move on. It’s important for your own well-being, and it’s essential for the other person to know what’s not ok to do with you.

When we remain silent, we unconsciously train the other person to continue the behavior. If we react strongly and negatively, the other person might also feel mistreated and a vicious cycle starts. Since this kind of conversation will be uncomfortable, it’s a good idea to learn the Nonviolent Communication model so that you are prepared and able to express yourself assertively and also respectfully.

3. Enforcing your boundaries:

If communicating your feelings and needs is difficult, giving consequences in response to repeated violations is really the hard part of this process for a lot of people. It can feel like you are punishing the other person, and you might fear their reaction. If you have been used to either remain silent or react very strongly but without giving any consequences when you are mistreated, changing your pattern might require you to do a lot of inner work.

Enforcing consequences is truly the essence of having boundaries. If you stop at either knowing your boundaries - or even at communicating when your boundary is crossed - you’re really only expressing a preference. A boundary is a limit - it’s a full stop - it needs protection and enforcement when needed. If someone repeatedly disrespects a boundary that you have mindfully chosen for yourself and clearly communicated, your only way to protect that boundary is to have a consequence for when the boundary is not respected. You have to be willing to enact the consequence, and live with it. You have to be willing to put your self-respect and well-being first.

For example, if someone yells at you during an argument, and you have asked them two or three times to lower their voice and stop calling you names - and they do not stop - your only way to protect your boundary is to remove yourself from the situation.

Fundamentally, your boundary is your responsibility. Hopefully people respect your boundaries without needing to be asked, but if they don’t you can’t make them do it. You can ask them and explain your needs, but you can’t make them do anything. Therefore if you have explained your boundaries and consequences, and given how many chance you’re comfortable with, your next step to truly honor your boundaries is to enforce your consequences. This communicates respect to yourself, and it teaches the other person how to treat you.

Remember that having a consequence for a boundary violation is not childish, mean or unfair. It’s actually mature, self-respecting and fair to your well-being. It’s also helpful for the other person to learn that it’s not ok to do what they are doing.

This being said, “enforcement” can sound like a strong word. For small issues, the consequence can be limited in scope and time - taking a break from the conversation until the other person calms down for example. For serious issues, you might have to end the relationship. There is a whole spectrum for you to consider.

Only you can decide how many chances you are willing to give to someone who is crossing your boundary before giving a consequence. Something extremely serious should not get a second chance before enforcing your boundary. For less serious issues, you can give 2-3 chances to the other to change their behavior before moving to enforcement. This is up to you to explore what feels right for you, keeping in mind what your tendencies are. If you tend to be rigid, you might want to relax a little, and if you tend to be too flexible, you might benefit from practicing being more assertive.

Conclusion:

Please remember that you are responsible for your boundaries and your self-respect, no one else is. Boundaries only exist if there is a consequence for not respecting them. Please consider getting coaching to discover your boundaries and to learn how to communicate to protect them gracefully. Healthy boundaries lead to healthy relationships!