Using The Five Love Languages At Home And At Work

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Dr. Chapman, the author of the famous book “The Five Love Languages”, identified five “languages” that we "speak" when we express our love and appreciation to one another: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.

Although Dr. Chapman’s focus is on intimate relationships, I have observed that using these languages in our professional life is equally valuable to develop and nurture great professional relationships.

Before going into more details, let’s first mention a few example of "dialects" for each type of Love Language, keeping in mind that some of these will obviously not be suitable for our professional relationships.

1. Words of Affirmation:

  • Verbal compliments (truthful + specific)

  • Encouraging words

2. Quality Time:

  • Quality Conversation (active listening + self-revelation)

  • Quality Activities (focus on the other person rather than the activity)

3. Receiving Gifts:

  • Gift of self (in time of crisis, special event, etc.)

  • Gift of freedom (allowing the other to do what they want to do, including being alone)

  • Home-made gifts

  • Purchased gifts

4. Acts of Service:

  • Doing what is most helpful/supportive to the other person

5. Physical Touch:

  • Comforting touch in difficult times

  • Non-sexual touch

  • Sexual touch (personal relationships only of course)

The premise of Chapman's theory is that we have an "emotional love tank" that needs to be filled up and remain full in order to stay engaged and connected in a long-term intimate relationship. What complicates things is that each of us tends to favor one or two types of "fuels" - aka Love Languages - over the other ones, and it's only when we consistently express our love in our partner's favorite "Love Language" that they feel truly loved.

Because we have different "fuel requirements" for our love tank, using the wrong one does not work as well as using the best one. Sometimes, using the wrong one does not work at all and even can have an adverse effect. If our partner expresses their love in a language that we don't understand as being loving, we won't feel truly loved. Conversely, if we speak the "wrong" love language to our partner, they won't feel loved by us despite our best effort.

When it comes to professional relationships, if we replace the word Love by Appreciation or Respect we’ll discover that respect and trust in our professional relationships can also be greatly improved when we use these languages to communicate sincere appreciation in our professional environment. Don’t we feel more engaged when we receive a sincere and heartfelt compliment at work? Don’t we feel more respected when our ideas are being listened to by our colleagues? Don’t we feel more trusted when given the gift of autonomy in our professional projects? Don’t we feel more appreciated when we receive extra days of vacation, a salary increase or a bonus?

The Five Love Languages are indeed useful both at home and at work!

After reflecting on previous relationships, observing my own marriage as well as other personal and professional relationships around me, and working with counseling and coaching clients, I have some additional thoughts to share with you on this topic:

1. Compromise is key:

Two people with different love languages have to make compromises so that everyone gets their needs met. It's sometimes necessary to do something that we don't love doing in order to make our partner feel loved or our colleagues appreciated, for so long as this does not conflict with our self-respect and personal values.

2. Size matters:

If I agree that our “Emotional Love Tank” needs to be regularly filled up by our partner, I find essential to keep the size of our tank in check. We must not allow it to become bigger and bigger over time and we must be mindful of what needs are reasonable to ask our partner to fulfill, and which ones we are responsible to fulfill ourselves.

3. Avoiding assumptions:

Dr. Chapman says that we can figure out a person's Love Language by observing how they express their love to others because people usually express their love in the way they want to receive it. While I agree that it's true in some (maybe most) cases, it's not for plenty of others. Some people express their love in one language but prefer to receive love in another. Do not make assumptions!

4. Love is not enough, but it's the foundation of everything:

Making one another feel loved and respected in a relationship is essential, yet your relationship needs more than love. Not all relationships problems – both personal and professional - are caused by a lack of appreciation. However, if other issues need to be resolved, consistently speaking the other person’s Love Language throughout the crisis creates a climate of security that will facilitate the resolution of other relationship problems, including at work.

5. Emotional availability:

If we are not receptive to someone's love or appreciation, receiving their loving words and actions will not touch us emotionally. If one partner is completely checked out of the relationship, abundantly speaking their preferred love language will not be sufficient to make them fall in love again. It still takes two to tango.

And that’s the same in our professional life: if we’re over a certain job or career path, no amount of listening, compliments or salary increase will make us want to stick around. The Five Love Languages are not the solution to every problem, but they do support healthier relationships both at home and at work.

We can never go wrong with expressing our appreciation towards others in concrete ways.