Got Boundaries?

Boundaries allow us to have a healthy relationship:

• With ourselves
• With others

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are physical and non-physical limits that individualize our being. Our physical boundaries define what is “me” and what we allow others to do to us physically. Our other boundaries (emotional, spiritual, etc.) define our inner world and how we allow others to treat us.

The cells of a large organism need individuality in order to fulfill their specific cellular functions but they also need individuality to cooperate well with all the other cells of the organism. No communication and cooperation between specialized cells is possible without… individualized cells.

Similarly, all human beings need individuality to manifest their special talents and life purpose and to collaborate well with all other human beings, both in their personal and professional lives.

Boundaries are semi-permeable limits

Healthy boundaries in human beings are like cell membranes: the semi-permeable membrane of a cell allows the carefully monitored passage of molecules in and out of the cell, as well as the exchange of molecules between cells.

Boundaries must not be confused with defenses. Boundaries allow us to welcome the healthy in while leaving the unhealthy out. Defenses leave everything out, the healthy and the unhealthy.

How boundaries are created

Ideally, we learn to set up boundaries by mirroring our caregivers. When our parents and other caregivers have healthy boundaries with us as well as others, we naturally and unconsciously set up healthy boundaries.

Ideally, we are well nurtured in childhood – physically and emotionally - and do not experience any adverse circumstances negatively affecting our young and still maturing boundaries.

Ideally, the social environment around us also support and respect our boundaries.

Well, who has an “ideal” childhood? It’s of course impossible to go through childhood – even a pretty good one – without facing some non-ideal scenarios. Each child goes through the process of separation from the caregiver, and most children will experience some form of small or more serious trauma that will affect their sense of self and therefore their boundaries.

Boundary violations jeopardize relationships

I realized that most if not all of the issues I have faced in my relationships have been boundary issues, either when I have allowed someone to violate my boundaries without reclaiming my power afterwards or – gasp! - when I have violated someone’s boundaries without realizing it and/or without attempting to repair my mistake afterwards.

Unrepaired boundary violations affect trust and respect and there can’t be happy and healthy relationships without 100% trust and respect.

It’s ok to make mistakes… if we strive to correct them

Creating, enforcing, and respecting boundaries is not perfect science. We’re going to make occasional mistakes and the path to healthier relationships is learning to recognize these errors, correct them and do better over time.

The key to improve our inner work around boundaries is healing our past traumas - both serious traumas and small traumas. It's impossible to have healthy boundaries when we still actively suffer from trauma because trauma affects our sense of self and our sense of wholeness. It's hard to have a good sense of our own boundaries when we don't have a clear and healthy sense of our own self.

Boundaries and communication

Communication is the tool that allows us to create and enforce our boundaries with others; it’s also the tool that allows us to make amends and correct mistakes when we are the one who failed to respect someone’s boundary.

When we have healed from our own boundary issues, we can communicate more clearly how we want to be treated. We also become more sensitive to others' boundary messages, both verbal and non verbal.

“Good fences make good neighbors”

“Good boundaries make good relationships”