Is It True, Kind And Necessary?
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A lot of the things I read goes in one ear and out the other. And then sometimes, I read something that triggers such a powerful ah ah moment that it sticks with me forever.
One of these things is the “test” I’m about to share with you that I read in a yoga magazine over a decade ago.
The test is short. When you want to speak, ask yourself: “Is what I’m about to say true, kind and necessary?”.
There is so much in this question, isnt’it?
Pausing. In order to even do this test, we must have developed enough mindfulness to be able to sense the desire of speaking arising, choose to pause, and shift from reactivity to response.
Honesty. It’s easy to make excuses for BS when we are in reactive mode. We call it “small lie” or “white lie”. It’s still BS. “Is what I’m about to say true?”
Gentleness. When we react instead of respond, we are more likely to use a cold tone or lash out, and hurt feelings in the process. “Is what I’m about to say kind?”
Usefulness. A lot of what we talk about is pretty useless. There would be much more silence and much more purposeful, useful speech if we could refrain from unnecessary chatter. “Is what I’m about to say necessary?”
Now, how do we reconcile conflicting priorities? If for a lot of our communication needs we can indeed choose to speak words that fulfill the three criteria of truth, kindness and necessity, there are more complex scenarios when one of these three criteria will need to be sacrificed for the sake of the two others.
When to sacrifice necessity? A lot of “unnecessary” chatter takes place for the sake of connection. From small talk at the start of a new relationship to random conversations just for fun, we could argue that these are unnecessary. A lot of them are but many more have a deeper purpose of bonding and pleasure. Although technically unnecessary, they are still very important for so long as they are honest and kind.
When to sacrifice kindness? This one is tough. We never have to sacrifice respect, and we never have to be mean. But there are plenty of situations where taking care of our self and our loved ones might require a level of firmness and bluntness that - although not mean - is also not kind. When something true and necessary must be expressed in a way that might not be actively kind, we must make sure to do so with the full awareness that there is another person on the receiving end of our speech that deserves our respect.
When to sacrifice truth? Would there be any reasons to sacrifice honesty for the sake of necessity and kindness? Not many for sure. Let’s consider the generous people who hid Jews in Germany during the holocaust and who lied to nazi soldiers asking them if they had seen any Jewish person. Those very essential lies, made out of necessity and kindness, saved precious lives. There are other examples when not telling the truth is the necessary and compassionate thing to do, but it’s rare. It’s crucial to proceed with caution with that one because our egos excel at coming up with convoluted excuses to justify lying for the sake of being “nice”. Not good enough.
Now, how about using this test in our written communication as well? Instant messaging apps are super useful but they also have created more opportunities for mindless chatter. How about practising pausing before writing and asking our self the same question: “Is what I’m about to write true, kind and necessary?”
Mindful communication = healthier relationships.
