Forgiveness Is Not Forgetfulness

When someone’s actions lead to pain for our self, it can feel impossible to forgive. After all, forgiveness can feel like giving a gift to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Could this be because we get confused about what forgiveness truly is?

1. Forgiveness is not a gift for the other person.

Forgiveness is actually something that we do for our self, not for the other person. The other person doesn’t even need to know that they are been forgiven. Forgiveness is a crucial step on our path to healing and recovery after having been mistreated, hurt, or worse. 

Not being willing to forgive, or at least try to, can literally harm us. Forgiveness is a gift that we give to our self, so that we can heal from our wounds. Not forgiving leads to resentment and holding on to past hurts. The perpetrator is not punished when we refuse to forgive, it’s actually our own self who is punished by resentment. Let’s not add unnecessary suffering to pain. 

2. Forgiveness doesn’t mean giving a second chance.

Sometimes, we will forgive while also being able to give a second chance to the person who wronged us. Perhaps it’s because it was a small incident, perhaps it was because it was an obvious unintentional mistake; perhaps it’s because the person took accountability for their actions and engaged in steps to make changes. In such case, giving a second chance is appropriate and even desirable. We’re all human. We all make mistakes.

And with that said, there will be plenty of situations that are not suitable for second chances. This could be due to the nature of what happened, or the lack of responsibility taken by the other person, or any other reasons. In that case, forgiveness is still possible but it should not be followed by giving a second chance, or even maintaining a relationship with the person in question.

3. Forgetting could actually hurt you.

On the other hand, equating forgiveness with forgetting can lead to violating our own boundaries and therefore expose our self to further pain. If a second chance is appropriate, it’s actually useful to remember that it’s a second chance, not a first one. Some people are not in a stage of life where they can change. We are in charge to decide how many chances we are willing to give; to do that we have to have a good memory.

Forgiveness, however, is always possible.