The Greatest Gift You Can Give Yourself
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Healing our old emotional pain is the most precious gift that we can give to our self. It’s also the most profound journey that we can undertake.
Imagine that you have one or more wounds on your arm or leg that would have only been covered by thin band-aids. They’d be a bit protected but the wounds would be raw and perhaps still bleeding underneath the band-aids. If someone inadvertently bumped into one of your wounds, it would hurt, and it would be tempting to assign blame to whoever had caused you that pain. The problem is that the person bumping into you has just bumped into you – they have not caused your wound. The bump hurt because of the wound that was already there, not because of the bumping itself. If there were no wound, the bumping would not have been pleasant but it would not have hurt that much.
The purpose of this metaphor is to illustrate the incredible sensitivity and memory of our nervous system. From the time we were conceived to today, we have gone through various small and big painful events and traumas that impacted our nervous system. Some pain got processed and healed, but unresolved, unhealed pains got trapped into our tissues. These old unhealed wounds are like the raw physical wounds of the metaphor - still bleeding underneath temporary band-aids because they have never been properly tended to and properly healed.
The most obvious area in life where people “bump” into each other is in marriages or domestic partnerships. Two imperfect human beings living together are going to constantly “bump” into one another. For example, one person wants to have a lot of time in solitude whereas the other wants to spend more time together. Or one person wants a very organized home while the other is comfortable with more things laying around. These differences are like bumps on old wounds.
If my need for autonomy has not been respected when I was younger - and that pain is still unhealed - I will be hyper sensitive to anything “bumping” into that unmet need, even if it’s a small thing. If my need for connection was not met enough when I was a child, I will feel hurt each time my partner wants to spend time alone or with friends, because their desire “bumps” into my old wound of lack of connection. If I was not validated and celebrated enough when I was little, I will be very reactive to any negative feedback, because the criticism will feel like a “bump” into my wound of “not being good enough”. I could go on and on with examples.
Of course, I’m not saying that we’re not dealing in the present moment with boundary-pushing people, too indifferent partners, or overly critical bosses. After all, these people also carry old wounds and try to get their needs met. What I am saying is that the foundation of our suffering is our unhealed wounds and trauma. When we complete their healing, we become more objective about the “bumps” we have to deal with on a regular basis. We become more discerning about what’s really happening, whether we’re truly being disrespected, abandoned, or blamed, or if we’re instead dealing with an old echo from the past.
Taking the time to go back to each wound, gently removing the dirty band-aid, cleaning the area, carefully bandaging it and caring for it until new skin can grow is necessary to finish the healing process. It takes time, it’s a bit messy and uncomfortable, but it’s how we get old pains and trauma out of our system so that we can truly live in the present, taking in each new experience freshly.
As we end the year and start planning for a new one, how about we commit to stopping hastily putting new band-aids on old wounds by denying, repressing, numbing, and modifying our emotions? What if we all took the time to really heal our old pains with gentle care? Even with still thin new skin, next time someone will “bump” into the place of old pain will not feel as painful and we will feel less reactive because our healing will be more complete.
You might be thinking that you don’t have old wounds. Well, think about the last time you felt triggered while driving, with your family, or at work. If you have reacted internally or externally in a way that was disproportionate to what actually happened, you have old wounds. We all do.
With more healing, there is much less suffering, and much more energy available for blossoming and thriving. Therapy and coaching are all about supporting this healing process, so please be in touch if you’d like to find the right support for yourself. You deserve it.
