Your Yes Means Nothing If You Can't Say No
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Do you say “yes” to others quickly and frequently?
Do you have a hard time remembering your last “no”?
Do you feel pressured to say “yes” when your calendar shows an “open” time slot?
Do you regularly find yourself doing optional things that you don’t really enjoy?
Do you feel guilty at the idea of saying “no” to someone you love?
Do you take it personally if someone says “no” to you?
Do you tend to feel too busy or even overwhelmed in your life?
Answering positively to one or more of these questions could indicate that you are a “yes” person. You might say “yes” too quickly and too often, to things that you don’t have time or energy for, or to people whose company you don’t truly enjoy.
While some people have an easy time saying “no” - and sometimes say “no” a bit too often - it’s more common to have a “yes” problem, especially with family and friends.
Wanting to say “yes” is a good thing - we live in relationships and it’s important to be generous with our resources. it’s the overdoing it that causes problems, because it leads you to lose control of your schedule and energy. Saying “yes” all the time is the ultimate boundary-buster, and you might even find yourself being dishonest with the people you love the most when you can’t say “no” to them. It also trains others to ask progressively more of you since they unconsciously expect another “yes”.
If you recognize yourself in this pattern, it’s time for you to learn to say “no”!
“No” does not have to be abrupt, cold, or mean. It can be said kindly and gracefully, and it can certainly come with some nuance or a counteroffer. Think about “not yet”, “let me think about it and get back to you”, or “not to this but yes to that”.
When you stop saying “yes” all the time - and sometimes say “no” - your “yes’s” become really powerful. People start trusting that you truly mean it, and that you really want to do what they ask of you or offer you to do with them. It’s like your “no’s” give more weight to your “yes’s”.
How to get there?
1. First off, work with your Inner Critic. If you feel guilty to say “no” and/or feel overwhelmed in general, chances are that your Inner Critic is running the show. Coaching is extremely effective to learn how to turn your Inner Critic into an ally.
2. Learn and practice assertive communication skills to express your “no’s” with clarity and kindness. Don’t be passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive. Coaching is also fantastic to hone communication skills through self-inquiry, role-plays and practice.
3. Finally, remember that you can usually ask for more time. Most requests are not so time-sensitive that you can’t afford a few minutes to consider the question before giving a response. However, if you do ask for more time, do not forget to get back to the person and give your response in a timely manner, even if it’s a “no”.
Example:
Person: “Can you do [insert request] for/with me this Saturday?”
You: “Let me check my calendar/with my family, and I’ll get back to you before the end of the day”
Process: You take some time to center yourself, feel into how much is going on for you this week and on that Saturday, and check with your family if relevant. You also consider your relationship to that person, and whether this is a reasonable thing for you to do in that context. You can also take into account how urgent their need is, and whether that person has other options for support or company.
Possible answers:
“Yes, it works!”
“Unfortunately I have other commitments that day, so I will not be able to do it.” (Do not offer any further explanation or justification; keep it simple)
“I am not able to do it on Saturday, but I could do it on Sunday (or another day). Would it work for you?”
How does this process sound to you? Up to trying it for a change?
Changing a pattern takes awareness, dedication, and consistent practice to try out a new way of doing things. It’s not easy but it’s not rocket science either.
Good boundaries make relationships healthier and happier. When you can say “no”, you respect yourself by honoring your energy, needs, and current commitments, and you respect others by being honest and trustworthy. It’s much more fulfilling to receive a real “yes!” from someone than a “forced yes”, with complaining behind the scene.
When you can say “no”, your “yes” truly means “yes!”.
