How To Stop Failing At Your New Year Resolutions

At the end of each year, the same phenomenon occurs. Regardless of how we call them – resolutions or something different - we use the start of the new year as symbolism for a fresh start to make the changes that we wish for our life. We commit to starting with the change on January 1st (or 2nd : ), and we get going…

Now tell me, how has it been going for you to make sudden changes? Have you ever resolved to make a change, succeeded for a little while, only to fall back into your old habits a few days, weeks or months later?

You’re not alone.

As studies have showed, New Year resolutions last in average until mid-February. And the same thing happens with any sudden change we might try to implement at any time of the year.

If you have ever failed at making a change you really wanted to see happen in your life, it’s most likely because - just like most people - you have relied on your will to power yourself through the change.

And the problem is that will does not work. It might work in the short-term, but it definitely does not work in the long-term.

And this is frustrating because we desperately want to believe that our mighty will is in control!

Our resolve might be strong, and we might be extra disciplined or even stubborn, and we might even last a bit longer than the average… but relying on will alone is still not going to be effective to make a change last in the long-term.

And it’s because much, much more powerful forces - buried deep in the primitive parts of our brain - are in control.

To give an example of the strength of these forces, try to stop breathing. Soon enough, your instinct will force you to take a breath. Breath is probably our most deeply rooted instinct; the other habits and patterns that we’re talking about here are not as strong but they also operate at a way deeper level than our will. These deeply ingrained patterns are pulling you back to your comforting habits because for your nervous system, those old habits mean safety, trust, and comfort. They mean staying alive. They’re protecting you almost as fiercely as other physiological patterns such as regulating your heartbeat or your body temperature.

So if we want to succeed in making a change, rather than using our will we will fare better at trying a different approach: exploring and working with the powerful forces that are quietly pulling us away from the much desired change and back to our usual old pattern.

For example, common New Year resolutions include changing eating or drinking habits, or starting a new workout regimen. The corresponding old patterns are over-eating, eating too much fatty and sugary food or crashing on the couch in front of Netflix instead of being active.

Before we allow the Inner Critic to jump on our case and start beating us down, let’s remember that our patterns are our survival mechanisms. They’re that important and that powerful. They’re intelligent and they bring us a sense of safety and comfort. They have a valid reason to be there in the short-term even if we know they’re not helpful in the long-term.

These patterns indeed only care about the short-term, they don’t rationalize whether sitting on the couch eating potato chips is life-enhancing in the long-term. If eating fatty foods on the couch has been patterned in your nervous system as a message of safety and trust, because when things were out of control as a child, a loving caregiver was buying you a bag of chips and sitting you down in front of the TV, guess what? A bag of chips on the couch means safety and comfort for your nervous system, and it’s going to pull you over and over into that direction because there is nothing more important than safety and trust.

At the conscious level, we know that some of our comforting habits are not helpful in the long-term. We know that eating these highly processed foods will eventually undermine our well-being and health. That’s when we decide to make a change, and… use our will to embark on new habits.

Our will can allow change for a little while but our deeply rooted need for safety and comfort will come back with a revenge, and if we have not explored those needs and patterned other ways to get them met, sooner or later the bags of potato chips will come back into your kitchen pantry, and the call of the couch will make itself heard more and more loudly!

And by the way, the exact same mechanism is at play for any other new habit we might want to implement: being less reactive when angry, saving more, stopping over-planning, being more in touch with ones’ feelings, finishing tasks, spending less time on the phone, etc.

If you have an old recurring habit, it’s because it brings you comfort at some level. If you want to replace this habit by a new one, stop relying on your will alone and start exploring in depth what the old habit means emotionally to you, and how you could pattern new ways to address your very important and valid need for safety and comfort.

You will eventually succeed in keeping the new habit long-term by wiring into your nervous system a new association between feelings of comfort and the positive change you want for your life.

And by the way, this is the essence of what development coaching is all about. We don’t need advice, and we don’t need self-improvement. What we do need is support in getting to know our self with more depth and guidance on our path to self-mastery.